Post by The Doctor on Nov 14, 2007 22:06:04 GMT
A short skit from the TMUK Archives, March 2001.
--
THE TRANSFORMERS VERSUS SANTA CLAUS by Ralph Burns.
"Ho! Ho! Ho! Little girl! And what do you want for
Christmas, eh?"
"Well, Santa! I want Fortress Maximus!"Santa had a casual word with one of his elves, who told him that that particular toy wasn't available in the U.K.
"Er, little girl. Um, would you like Bumblebee instead?" he offered weakly, waving the toy about limply.
"Bumblebee sucks ass! I want Fortress bloody Maximus you fat git!"
"There's no need for-"
"My Dad says you're a fake! Well, I put a curse on you! A curse I tell you! For in my spare time I am a trainee witch! And everything!"
As the little girl stomped off angrily, Santa ruminated on his childhood. Back then they'd been perfectly happy with skipping ropes and things made of wood. Well, not the skipping ropes. They were for girls. But they certainly hadn't needed death robot things. Just toy soldiers. Made of wood.
As the kids lined up at his grotto, Santa became increasingly disheartened at the violent filth that the young ones wanted for Christmas. Shocking role models for the youth. They all seemed to resolve around beating things up. And such ghastly names! That
Skeletor fellow sounded positively frightful. And as for Snarf...
Come closing times, he left his elves to clean up the
grotto while he went off to his changing room. Ah, the children of today just had no proper values. What ever happened to good old fashioned fun stuff like 'hide and seek', 'spin the bottle',etc. 'Hmmm. I need a bloody big pint of beer' he thought as he slumped into a dusty chair. As he struggled to get his fake beard off, swearing at the poor quality of the adhesive, he heard a scratching sound from somewhere behind him. Probably the bloody mice again! Ah, the store had seen better days. Never had rodents back then.
But it wasn't a mouse.
The green and purple plastic scorpion scampered across the floor. It hissed with evil as the portly human being caught sight of it and gasped in terror.
Quickly, had transformed into tacky robot mode, but without its' action stickers as no-one had put them on yet. "Human!" it screeched. "Now, you will obey me!"
Santa screamed and screamed, wishing for all the world that he really was at the South pole where the only danger was rabid penguins. And frostbite. Penguins with the power of frostbite. Oh, if only his elves were with him now.
The next morning, the little girl who had been at Santa's grotto the previous day, marched down to her kitchen as usual after getting dressed. She munched her way quietly through her bowl of Weetabix until there came a knock at the door. "I'll get it!" she shouted before
her parents could move.
When she opened the door, there was no one there. But sitting just outside was a boxed-up brand-new toy of Fortress Maximus, the ultimate Headmaster Transformer.
"Well done, Santa Claus." she whispered.
THE END.
21/3/01
--
THE TRANSFORMERS VERSUS SANTA CLAUS by Ralph Burns.
"Ho! Ho! Ho! Little girl! And what do you want for
Christmas, eh?"
"Well, Santa! I want Fortress Maximus!"Santa had a casual word with one of his elves, who told him that that particular toy wasn't available in the U.K.
"Er, little girl. Um, would you like Bumblebee instead?" he offered weakly, waving the toy about limply.
"Bumblebee sucks ass! I want Fortress bloody Maximus you fat git!"
"There's no need for-"
"My Dad says you're a fake! Well, I put a curse on you! A curse I tell you! For in my spare time I am a trainee witch! And everything!"
As the little girl stomped off angrily, Santa ruminated on his childhood. Back then they'd been perfectly happy with skipping ropes and things made of wood. Well, not the skipping ropes. They were for girls. But they certainly hadn't needed death robot things. Just toy soldiers. Made of wood.
As the kids lined up at his grotto, Santa became increasingly disheartened at the violent filth that the young ones wanted for Christmas. Shocking role models for the youth. They all seemed to resolve around beating things up. And such ghastly names! That
Skeletor fellow sounded positively frightful. And as for Snarf...
Come closing times, he left his elves to clean up the
grotto while he went off to his changing room. Ah, the children of today just had no proper values. What ever happened to good old fashioned fun stuff like 'hide and seek', 'spin the bottle',etc. 'Hmmm. I need a bloody big pint of beer' he thought as he slumped into a dusty chair. As he struggled to get his fake beard off, swearing at the poor quality of the adhesive, he heard a scratching sound from somewhere behind him. Probably the bloody mice again! Ah, the store had seen better days. Never had rodents back then.
But it wasn't a mouse.
The green and purple plastic scorpion scampered across the floor. It hissed with evil as the portly human being caught sight of it and gasped in terror.
Quickly, had transformed into tacky robot mode, but without its' action stickers as no-one had put them on yet. "Human!" it screeched. "Now, you will obey me!"
Santa screamed and screamed, wishing for all the world that he really was at the South pole where the only danger was rabid penguins. And frostbite. Penguins with the power of frostbite. Oh, if only his elves were with him now.
The next morning, the little girl who had been at Santa's grotto the previous day, marched down to her kitchen as usual after getting dressed. She munched her way quietly through her bowl of Weetabix until there came a knock at the door. "I'll get it!" she shouted before
her parents could move.
When she opened the door, there was no one there. But sitting just outside was a boxed-up brand-new toy of Fortress Maximus, the ultimate Headmaster Transformer.
"Well done, Santa Claus." she whispered.
THE END.
21/3/01