Post by Andy Turnbull on May 16, 2015 11:50:04 GMT
As Mr Kiernan has asked about this service, I shall relay my thoughts on it. I dare say Burns will chime in at some point.
Lo, due to being procrastinators (and my work being awkward about 1 holiday day) we were a bit too late to book a train/flight at anything other than CUTA level gouging. So adverts for the Megabus Gold were seen, the website was perused by Turn and Burn and did we not see a nice bus, with a friendly and not unattractive stewardess serving complimentary hot beverages. So tickets were booked.
Our bus departed from Edinburgh at 2245 and was due in to London Victoria at 0630 the following morning, with the grand promise of no stops at Tebay.
We arrived in plenty of time to board, due to my difficulties with insomnia I had a couple of pints before hand in the hope that I would nod off at least for a wee bit, Ralph due to concerns about the toilet and bladder stamina decided against this.
Our bus pulls up, and instead of an attractive stewardess, a five foot two Scotsman with a beard and a closely cropped haircut ushered us towards the bus. He checked our reservations and took our bags to put in the hold. Now as we are both of the masculine persuasion we were directed upstairs. Men upstairs and the ladies downstairs, unfairly they have easier toilet access, as will be revealed as our tale continues.
We go upstairs and are directed to the front and advised to get into our bunks, feet towards the front of the bus. This is in case their is an accident if our legs hit the front of the bus we are more likely to survive. Their words, my thoughts are if it takes longer for our heads to skelp into something solid the chances of identifying us through dental records will be easier.
Now all the seats had been converted to beds. Now every fibre in me is screaming to put bed in italics or with quotation marks around it, but it will get tiresome. Suffice it to say the seats are folded down and a mattress is placed on top of them. The layout being that on our side of the bus, there is one bunk beside the window and another beside that, with a tiny wee partition at the headboard to mark space. Now above the outer bunk is a hammock scarily close to the bunk, for that added claustrophobic touch. The other side has one lower bunk and then a hammock.
Burns for the sake of potential toilet trips bagged the outer bunk and I took the window seat. Grateful at not having a hammock above my head I agreed. So we settled in as best we could and made ready to depart. There was a pillow and blanket, now the pillow was something larger than a handkerchief but considerably smaller than a cushion on a sofa. The blanket, was a blanket so they got that right.
Thankfully the bus was reasonably quiet and nutter free (unless we were the nutters - you decide), as we set off the steward took the tannoy to give the passengers some informative guidance. No alcohol, no drugs, I swear if he started saying no fucking I'd have thought I was on a touring version of Oz. The toilet was for No 1 only due to it being a chemical toilet. He advised the lights would be going out soon and before that he'd be round with a muffin and a bottle of water for everyone.
Now the lights went out and the idea was to try and sleep, Burns with the Hammock of Impending doom over his head was going to have some issues and as for me at my window seat I was laughing. Wasn't I?
No I was not.
For right alongside my head and below the line of my bed was a heater, so I was getting a head sauna for the trip and above me instead of the hammock was the speakers, now as they were off there should be no problems. Except for around each of the two small speakers were two blue led strips. I whacked my phone charger in and popped in my headphones and sought solace in the embrace of several podcasts and audiobooks. It was going to be a long trip.
Now, in hindsight the pints may have been a dangerous choice given the sleeping arrangements, but the amount of sweat dripping off me helped my ironclad bladder. I had t to pick my moment, and that was going to be just after Burns made his trip to the toilet. Now sleep consisted of nodding off for spells of 5 mins to maybe 30 if we were both lucky.
Burns upon waking from one of these brief escapes from the hammock of doom, went to the toilet. Now being a bit groggy and a bit stressed didn't notice there were blue tram lights on the floor beside the bunks and that the one bit with no tram lights was the stairs. He didn't kill himself trying to get to the toilet but gave it a damned good go. Next up it was my turn, being intimately familiar with the blue leds I was on it from the start. No problems getting to the stairs and lo the stairs were in absolute pitch darkness but with some caution I made it down the stairs and into the toilet.
Now the only toilet that rivals this for lack of space was the ones on the wee Logan Air planes we used to get from Belfast to Glasgow back in the day, but I digress. I went about my business only for the driver at this point to start aggressively turning the vehicle sending me staggering backwards and thus began a battle to keep pissing into the toilet and not giving myself a golden shower. To my and everyone else on the bus's relief I was successful.
I went back to the bunk and prepared to sleep again, only to find I'd knocked my headphones on the floor and there was no way to access them. FUCK! I still had 3 and half hours to endure. Did I go mad during this time? Or did I go madder? Was there any strange epiphanies or revelations that occurred to me as I tried and failed to sleep?
No. I took to peering through the window as it got lighter and I swear I saw a sign that said Milton Keynes and I smiled. I fucking smiled. So in hindsight, it would appear I did go mad.
As we get near our destination, our charming steward came back on the tannoy and then the lights came on. He promised us a croissant and a fruit juice upon exit from the bus. When we came into the station we waited until everyone had gotten off as in addition to my lost headphones, Burns lost his glasses case and glasses within. Both were retrieved and we exited Victoria Coach Station and swore never to get the Megabus Gold again. Until our return journey in 7 days time.
Lo, due to being procrastinators (and my work being awkward about 1 holiday day) we were a bit too late to book a train/flight at anything other than CUTA level gouging. So adverts for the Megabus Gold were seen, the website was perused by Turn and Burn and did we not see a nice bus, with a friendly and not unattractive stewardess serving complimentary hot beverages. So tickets were booked.
Our bus departed from Edinburgh at 2245 and was due in to London Victoria at 0630 the following morning, with the grand promise of no stops at Tebay.
We arrived in plenty of time to board, due to my difficulties with insomnia I had a couple of pints before hand in the hope that I would nod off at least for a wee bit, Ralph due to concerns about the toilet and bladder stamina decided against this.
Our bus pulls up, and instead of an attractive stewardess, a five foot two Scotsman with a beard and a closely cropped haircut ushered us towards the bus. He checked our reservations and took our bags to put in the hold. Now as we are both of the masculine persuasion we were directed upstairs. Men upstairs and the ladies downstairs, unfairly they have easier toilet access, as will be revealed as our tale continues.
We go upstairs and are directed to the front and advised to get into our bunks, feet towards the front of the bus. This is in case their is an accident if our legs hit the front of the bus we are more likely to survive. Their words, my thoughts are if it takes longer for our heads to skelp into something solid the chances of identifying us through dental records will be easier.
Now all the seats had been converted to beds. Now every fibre in me is screaming to put bed in italics or with quotation marks around it, but it will get tiresome. Suffice it to say the seats are folded down and a mattress is placed on top of them. The layout being that on our side of the bus, there is one bunk beside the window and another beside that, with a tiny wee partition at the headboard to mark space. Now above the outer bunk is a hammock scarily close to the bunk, for that added claustrophobic touch. The other side has one lower bunk and then a hammock.
Burns for the sake of potential toilet trips bagged the outer bunk and I took the window seat. Grateful at not having a hammock above my head I agreed. So we settled in as best we could and made ready to depart. There was a pillow and blanket, now the pillow was something larger than a handkerchief but considerably smaller than a cushion on a sofa. The blanket, was a blanket so they got that right.
Thankfully the bus was reasonably quiet and nutter free (unless we were the nutters - you decide), as we set off the steward took the tannoy to give the passengers some informative guidance. No alcohol, no drugs, I swear if he started saying no fucking I'd have thought I was on a touring version of Oz. The toilet was for No 1 only due to it being a chemical toilet. He advised the lights would be going out soon and before that he'd be round with a muffin and a bottle of water for everyone.
Now the lights went out and the idea was to try and sleep, Burns with the Hammock of Impending doom over his head was going to have some issues and as for me at my window seat I was laughing. Wasn't I?
No I was not.
For right alongside my head and below the line of my bed was a heater, so I was getting a head sauna for the trip and above me instead of the hammock was the speakers, now as they were off there should be no problems. Except for around each of the two small speakers were two blue led strips. I whacked my phone charger in and popped in my headphones and sought solace in the embrace of several podcasts and audiobooks. It was going to be a long trip.
Now, in hindsight the pints may have been a dangerous choice given the sleeping arrangements, but the amount of sweat dripping off me helped my ironclad bladder. I had t to pick my moment, and that was going to be just after Burns made his trip to the toilet. Now sleep consisted of nodding off for spells of 5 mins to maybe 30 if we were both lucky.
Burns upon waking from one of these brief escapes from the hammock of doom, went to the toilet. Now being a bit groggy and a bit stressed didn't notice there were blue tram lights on the floor beside the bunks and that the one bit with no tram lights was the stairs. He didn't kill himself trying to get to the toilet but gave it a damned good go. Next up it was my turn, being intimately familiar with the blue leds I was on it from the start. No problems getting to the stairs and lo the stairs were in absolute pitch darkness but with some caution I made it down the stairs and into the toilet.
Now the only toilet that rivals this for lack of space was the ones on the wee Logan Air planes we used to get from Belfast to Glasgow back in the day, but I digress. I went about my business only for the driver at this point to start aggressively turning the vehicle sending me staggering backwards and thus began a battle to keep pissing into the toilet and not giving myself a golden shower. To my and everyone else on the bus's relief I was successful.
I went back to the bunk and prepared to sleep again, only to find I'd knocked my headphones on the floor and there was no way to access them. FUCK! I still had 3 and half hours to endure. Did I go mad during this time? Or did I go madder? Was there any strange epiphanies or revelations that occurred to me as I tried and failed to sleep?
No. I took to peering through the window as it got lighter and I swear I saw a sign that said Milton Keynes and I smiled. I fucking smiled. So in hindsight, it would appear I did go mad.
As we get near our destination, our charming steward came back on the tannoy and then the lights came on. He promised us a croissant and a fruit juice upon exit from the bus. When we came into the station we waited until everyone had gotten off as in addition to my lost headphones, Burns lost his glasses case and glasses within. Both were retrieved and we exited Victoria Coach Station and swore never to get the Megabus Gold again. Until our return journey in 7 days time.
