13 - The Search for Mr J / BBU continued / Interlude

[Grand Moff Muffin]

SPARKSHARKS

Allegiance: Decepticon
Sub-group: Laser Beasts
Function: Demolitions
First appearance: Right here

"Time to let rip."


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

Profile: The Sparksharks love tearing down things others have built. The more loving care that's gone into its construction, the greater the Sparksharks' delight in cutting it to ribbons, be it a beautiful building or a new model of civilisation. And they show their utter disdain for the works that they destroy by farting loudly throughout the entire operation.

Abilities: The Sparksharks invoke the power of wood to charge up their chainsaw laser rifles, which are capable of slicing through almost anything or anyone. But they prefer to use the horns on their skulls to demolish their targets, provided they are not built out of material harder than the bones of their tiny-brained heads.

Weaknesses: The Sparksharks' flatulence announces their approach to the enemy, and also makes them less than popular amongst their fellow Laser Beasts. They are among the least intelligent sentient creatures on Planet Beast.

Strength: 6
Intelligence: 2
Speed: 3
Endurance: 7
Rank: 4
Courage: 10
Firepower: 7
Skill: 4

[Grand Moff Muffin]

SEA PANIC 5

Allegiance: Decepticon
Sub-group: Laser Beast
Function: House beast
First appearance: Right here

"And the winner is..."


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

Profile: Sea Panic 5 is the current house beast in the volcano crater arena on the Isle of Fight (see the entry on the Dragons Seahorn). It's his job to fight anyone who arrives on the island lacking an opponent to battle for fun, and any combatant who fails to abide by the rules of fair play (see the entry on Joan Bur-Cow the Bodacious Bovine). He's not the first Battle Beast to hold this high office. Sea Panic 1 did the job quite well to begin with, until he faced Pugnacious Penguinis. The penguin looked pretty puny until he whipped out the Eternian Power Sword and transformed himself into He-Penguin, the most powerful penguin in the universe. And that was the end of Sea Panic 1. Sea Panic 2 was a better fighter than Sea Panic 1, but eventually he came up against Hare Razing Rabbit Kid. Nobody beats Hare Razing Rabbit Kid, and Sea Panic 2 knew this, so he decided to shoot himself with his own electro-laser to save the rabbit the bother. Sea Panic 3 had a decent run and sent several luckless Battle Beasts down to Davy Jones' Locker, until he fought Sledgehammer Elephant, champion of the 2019 Galaxy Kombat tournament on Derut Four, who used his power of wood to conjure up a couple of tree trunks and clubbed the Laser Beast to death with them. And most recently there was Bullorn the Bludgeonly Bulldog, who had returned to Planet Beast from Cybertron with his armour upgraded with Circuit-Breaker technology. He zapped Sea Panic 4 with lightning bolts until the despairing house beast had had enough, conjured up a whirlpool and jumped into it to escape his canine tormentor, and that was the end of him. Sea Panic 5 has every confidence he'll have more success than his four predecessors. Meanwhile, Blitzkrieg Devilbat's hand hovers over the controls of his cloning facility, ready to create Sea Panic 6 just as soon as he hears there's a vacancy to be filled.

Abilities: Sea Panic 5 invokes the power of water to create a whirlpool just off the shore of the Isle of Fight, into which he hurls his defeated foes. He also uses his magic to charge up his electro-laser rifle. And if his enemies are really careless, he sometimes manages to decapitate them with a lunge and a chomp before they know what's happening.

Weaknesses: The Dragons Seahorn who labour tirelessly beneath the Isle of Fight to turn it into a spaceship get pretty pissed off with Sea Panic 5 when he disrupts their work with one of his whirlpools and drops a Battle Beast corpse on their heads. One of these days they swear they're going to go up there and smash him good and proper, Blitzkrieg Devilbat's orders be damned.

Strength: 7
Intelligence: 4
Speed: 4
Endurance: 7
Rank: 4
Courage: 10
Firepower: 5
Skill: 7

[Grand Moff Muffin]

And that's all the Laser Beasts. Job done.

Martin

[Grand Moff Muffin]

INTERLUDE

"Airwave to Trypticon. We have an unscheduled Cameron star-fighter on fast approach to Tyrest."

"Setting down outside the north gates or the south?"

"Setting down right in the centre of town."

"Are they crazy?"

"I wouldn't like to say it to her face. Boss... it's her."

"Her? Who? The Matrix-bearer?"

"No, the other her."

"Airwave, this is Shrapnel. The other her is dead. I saw it happen with my own optics."

"Yeah, well, you can tell her that yourself in a minute."

"Shrapnel, this is Trypticon. She's an Insecticon project. Deal with it."

"On it."
___

"Hello, boys."

"Lieutenant Santella. You're... alive."

"Don't sound so pleased about it. Why shouldn't I be?"

"Shrapnel here said he saw you stabbed to death."

"Kickback!"

"You were there and did nothing to help me? You sick bastard!"

"That's what it says on my tech-specs. We have no agreement committing us to save each other's lives."

"I'll bear that in mind the next time a disgruntled Decepticon comes after you."

"I wanted to see how good you were."

"Well, now you know."

"Indeed."

"I take it you got rid of my fridge."

"We saw no reason to keep it."

"Pity."

"What do you want, human?"

"I want to know when you last spoke to Ratbat."

"About six years before you were born. He's dead."

"Yeah, just like me."

"Oh. Really?"

"Really. Bombshell, you almost ran into him on Earth last year. Remember that fake SHIELD agent called Mr Johnson who Irwin Spoon told us about?"

"Yeah."

"That was him."

"No."

"Yep. Ratbat's brain in a Life-Model Decoy of Richard Branson."

"You're messing with us."

"Bombshell, I swear, when I start messing with you, you'll know about it."

"Ratbat, alive? Trypticon will be delighted."

"And not only is Ratbat alive, but he's figured out, in one year, how to do something you lot haven't managed to figure out over the course of the last three decades."

"And what's that?"

"How to create a new army without the Creation Matrix."

Silence.

"Now I know you're lying."

"Why, Shrapnel?"

"Because if that were true, you wouldn't risk telling us about it. This is a trap... a test to see if we're really committed to a lasting peace with the Autobots."

"Not at all. We've always worked on the assumption that you're not, so catching you out about that now won't make any difference to how we deal with you."

"But if you tell us Ratbat's found a way to create new life without the Matrix, how do you know we won't join up with him and exploit that knowledge to rebuild the Decepticon war machine?"

"Simple. Either you're in cahoots with Ratbat already or you're not. If you are, then I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know. And if you're not... well, that means Ratbat prefers for you not to know what he's up to. And if he doesn't want you to know, then it's probably a good thing for us if you do."

"Are you going to tell us where he is?"

"Sure. Planet Beast."

"What's that?"

"Check your records. Or ask Sixshot."

"He's out at Fortress Scorponok with the Constructor Squad and Race Track Patrol."

"Ask him who helped him reclaim that particular bit of Decepticon real estate."

"You?"

"Nope, guess again. Anyway, that's all I came here to tell you."

"That's it? You just came here to give us this information?"

"Oh, and to ask you if you have a problem with the Cameron Space Marines smashing Ratbat and his army to pieces."

"What?"

"He's threatening the natives. They're our friends."

"Oh."

"You're fine with that, aren't you? I mean, giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming for once that you're telling the truth when you swear you've put all ambitions of conquest behind you and are now committed to peaceful coexistence with the Autobots and humans..."

"Now, er, hold on just a minute. You've given us a lot to process. I mean, we're talking about the survival of our species, here. If Ratbat's found a way to create new Transformer life without the Matrix..."

"Oh, I'm sorry, did I give you that impression? No... not Transformers. Battle Beasts."

"What?"

"Genetically modified animal-humanoid hybrids imbued with the souls of fire demons, wood spirits and water sprites. The ones on the southern continent battle for fun. Ratbat's created a new race of them that battles for him."

"Wh-? Non-mechanical life?"

"Yeah. So... you're sure you don't want to join Ratbat's clone Laser Beast army and help them conquer the universe?"

"He's leading an army of squishies?"

"He's a squishy himself now. Robot brain in a Battle Beast body. Calls himself Blitzkrieg Devilbat."

"How-"

"Stolen alien tech. Same as what saved my life."

"The traitor! Helping a race of carbon-based creatures?"

"Helping, controlling, manipulating - call it what you will. But it seems he prefers their company to yours these days."

"The filthy... It goes against everything Decepticons stand for!"

"So, you won't be upset if we-"

"Smash away, human. Smash away."

"Cool, that's all I wanted to know. Seeya!"

"Wait... So, you think you're immortal now, huh?"

"Nah. If I thought I was un-killable I'd develop meaningful relationships and save my earnings to keep me in my retirement rather than have 'em automatically transferred to my siblings' kids' trust fund. The newborn Matrix-bearer's immortal. I just stack the odds in my favour to keep going as long as I can. Bye now!"
___

Once she had plotted her course back to Planet Beast and safely re-entered hyperspace, Dani deactivated her Circuit-Breaker costume and turned to face her Recorder companion.

"Get all that?"

"Recorded every word. Conclusion: They didn't know."

"Correct. And, more importantly, once they knew, they didn't care."

"Interrogative: What does that mean?"

"It means the gloves are off."

She checked her external sensors to reassure herself that the tiny robot grasshopper that had quietly attached itself to the outer hull just before lift-off was firmly secured. She made a mental note to invite him to join her in the cockpit for the second leg of the journey, when they stopped to take on fuel at Grand Central Space Station.

THE END

[Grand Moff Muffin]

GIADER THE WAR WEASEL AND SWINY BOAR WILDTHUNDER

Allegiance: Decepticon
Function: Spreading terror
First appearance: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Battle Beasts Fight!

Status: Undead


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

Sledgehammer Elephant was just getting used to the idea that Blitzkrieg Devilbat, a Battle Beast he thought he'd killed in the final round of the 2019 Galaxy Kombat tournament, was back with a Decepticon brain in his head and an army of clone Laser Beasts at his beck and call, when events took a sinister turn, as the decaying corpses of two of Sledgehammer's friends, cut down in the first round of that interstellar tournament, reappeared on Planet Beast, walking and killing and spreading fear in a race normally known for its fearlessness. Analysis of footage captured by the size-changing flying human called Swift proved that it was the armour, not the Battle Beasts wearing it, that had been reanimated, presumably by the Devilbat, to sow terror and confusion amongst the non-aligned Battle Beasts of the southern land mass and hamper the efforts of Sly Beafox to unite them against the western menace.

[Grand Moff Muffin]

CRUSTY CRABHIT

Allegiance: Decepticon
Function: Spreading terror
First appearance: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Battle Beasts Fight!

Status: Undead


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

The hard shell of the luckless Crusty Crabhit, his soft flesh being slowly eaten away from the inside by smaller crustaceans, awkwardly staggers along the beaches of the southern continent of Planet Beast, its movements dictated entirely by the mechanised armour that it now wears. If any curious Battle Beast happens to approach this walking corpse, they are liable first to be overwhelmed by the stench of death, and then to be rendered lifeless themselves by a swift lunge of Crabhit's serrated spear. You can chop or shoot bits off him, but he'll just keep on coming. Only total destruction will halt his stumbling rampage.

[Grand Moff Muffin]

GRAYOX THE ROAMIN' BUFFALO AND VIOLETHORN THE BLOODTHIRSTY BISON

Allegiance: Decepticon
Function: Spreading terror
First appearance: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Battle Beasts Fight!

Status: Undead


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

Blitzkrieg Devilbat had to stitch these two Battle Beasts' heads back on after their unfortunate demise in the Galaxy Kombat tournament, and while doing so he took the opportunity of installing yellow lamps in their eye sockets to match the lights on their armour, thus giving their decomposing forms an even more monstrous appearance when the armour carries them stomping across the southern continent of Planet Beast, pre-programmed to cleave in two any Battle Beast foolish enough to get within striking range of their axes.

[Grand Moff Muffin]

WEB SLINGER DEASPIDER

Allegiance: Decepticon
Function: Spreading terror
First appearance: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Battle Beasts Fight!

Status: Undead


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

The most terrifying and dangerous of the six undead Battle Beast gladiators whose bodies Blitzkrieg Devilbat brought back with him from Derut Four, Web Slinger Deaspider haunts the dark forests of the southern continent of Planet Beast, patiently waiting for his next victim, whoever that may be. Despite his being a corpse, Deaspider's pre-programmed outer armour retains control of his ability to weave sticky webs between the trunks of trees, creating lethal deathtraps for the unsuspecting traveller. Once caught in Deaspider's webbing, there is little chance of escape, and while he no longer thirsts for your blood - he has passed beyond such worldly cravings - he will kill you just as surely, as he impales you on his two-pronged axe before leaving you hanging there for the forest insects to consume.

Some would say Blitzkrieg Devilbat has gone too far with these, his latest atrocities. He would reply that he's simply pushing the boundaries of science, exploring the grey area between life and death... and that a glorious future awaits those non-aligned Battle Beasts who are perceptive enough to recognise his genius and join his army of their own free will.

STORIES LISTED IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER

MISCELLANEOUS
The year 1987: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: The Death of Counterpunch Part 1
The year 1987: Bumblebee 1987
The year 1987: Battlechargers Forever / Transformers #23 and 32
The year 1987: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Gold Standard
The year 1988: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Attack of the Clones
The year 1988: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Blot on the Landscape
The year 1988: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Ink Blot Test
The year 1988: Terrorcons, Combine!
Beginning from September 1988: Tales from the Cosmic Carnival / Transformers #44
January 1989: A Stopped Clock / Transformers UK #199-205, 223-227 and 251-254
January 1989: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Blot on the Record
The year 1989: A Stopped Clock: Chimes at Midnight / Transformers #60-61

THE LAST DAYS OF THE TRANSFORMERS WAR
The year 1990: Transformers UK #229, 237-239 and 255-289
The year 1990: The Magnificent Six (Transformers UK Annual 1991)
The year 1990: Transformers #67-70
The year 1990: The Last Days of the Transformers War: Xaaron / Transformers #71-73
The year 1991: The Last Days of the Transformers War: Unicron / Transformers #74-75
The year 1991: The Last Days of the Transformers War: Nucleon / Escort Duty / Breaking Bonds / Transformers #76-80
November 1991: Top Secret
December 1991: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Battletrap's Beasts - They Battle for Fun
December 1991: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Flywheels's Friends - They Too Battle for Fun
December 1991: Another Time and Place (Transformers UK Annual 1992)
December 1991: The Reckoning
December 1991: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: The Death of Counterpunch Part 2

WHAT HAPPENED AFTERWARDS
The year 1992: Destiny of the Dinobots (Transformers UK Annual 1990)
The year 1992: Stylor's Sequel
The year 1992: Stylor's Statement
The year 1992: Stylor's Speech
The year 1993: The Last Minispy (time of narration)
The year 1993: The Last Minispy: Jaws of Steel
The year 1993: Earth's Mightiest Heroes
The year 1993: Earth's Mightiest Heroes: Minefield

INTERIM
1991-2018: Great Battle Beast Duels of History
1991-2018: Sky Lynx May Be a Rubbish Toy, But...!
1994-2018: Marvel Superheroes Meet the Transformers
The year 2008: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Third Generation

TWENTY YEARS LATER
The year 2014: Twenty Years Later
The year 2014: Twenty Years Later: Kup's Story Retold
August 2017: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: One-Robot Army
September 2017 to July 2018: Prelude to the Predator War
August 2018: Where Were You During the Predator War?
August 2018: Life and Freedom
August 2018: Cameron Space Marines
September 2018: Titanium Shott Blaster for Hire
September 2018: Titanium Shott Blaster for Hire: Death's Head vs Grimlock
September 2018: Game Over
September 2018: Game Over: Walkthrough
October 2018: The Mad Marvel UK Mash-Up
October 2018: The Mad Marvel UK Mash-Up: Deadlier Games
November-December 2018: War of the Skull
December 2018: The Legacy of Rodimus Prime
December 2018: The Legacy of Galvatron
December 2018: The Legacy of Primus
January 2019: Remembrance
The year 2019: Choose Your Own Prologue
The year 2019: Choose Your Own Adventure
The year 2019: Choose Your Own Destiny
The year 2019: Choose Your Own Strategy
The year 2019: Choose Your Own Fate
The year 2019: Choose Your Own Ending
The year 2019: Choose Your Own Epilogue
May 2019: The Return of Optimus Prime
Ending in June 2019: Stories from Grand Central Space Station
Ending in June 2019: The Singular Adventures of Slugfest and Overkill
Ending in June 2019: Irwin Spoon Goes to Cybertron
July 2019: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Concerning Monsterbots
August 2019: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Technobots vs Terrakors
September 2019: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Battle Beasts Fight!
October 2019: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Battle Beasts Roll!
November 2019: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Fortress Scorponok
December 2019: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Battle Beasts Strike!
December 2019: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Stylor's Staff
The year 2020: Battle Beasts Universe
The year 2020: The Search for Mr J
The year 2020: Battle Beasts Universe continued
The year 2020: Interlude