13 - The Search for Mr J / BBU continued / Interlude

[Grand Moff Muffin]

THE SEARCH FOR MR J

PART 1

With apologies to Stommingtons III Esq.

As Dan passed the gates, there was a notable change. The filth and bustle of the clearance area was gone and he found himself in a pleasant, calm city square. Around him were various buildings - a fast food outlet, an ornately decorated building covered in various posters, a conference centre, a gaming arcade and a bar.

As well as buildings, he saw three main exits from the square, a busy road from the side of the fast food outlet, between the conference centre and the gaming arcade a path, and finally to the side of the bar a dark alley. There was also a public Infoterminal.

Dotted about the square itself were various street performers, each with a group of bystanders enjoying the shows. One performer appeared to be having less luck than the rest.

The tranquillity was interrupted by the deep rumble of an engine. Roaring from the busy road at too fast a pace came some kind of large flying motorbike, turbines to each side and a chopper-style front donned with a monstrous skull, its exhausts billowing smoke. The bystanders dove out of the way as the driver ignored the pedestrianised area to pull up outside the bar.

A large, white-furred, yellow-eyed, wolf-headed humanoid, donned in leather biker's garb, stepped down. He surveyed his location, pausing at the various groups as if looking for something or... someone. He allowed his gaze to linger on Dan, but only briefly before shrugging, burping loudly, turning to the bar and stomping inside.

The square was silent for a moment, then the street performers found themselves new positions, leaving a good space clear around the vehicle, and resumed their acts.

Dan slipped his right hand under his poncho disguise and tapped a stud on his belt. One of his shirt buttons promptly detached and buzzed, fly-like, across the square and into the bar through an air extractor fan. A second flying button hovered over the motorbike and, ever so gently, settled on its rear mudguard.

A moment later, smoke began to pour from the bar's orifices and a fire alarm sounded. Dan could hear an automated sprinkler system activating. The wolf-man staggered from the doorway, coughing and cursing, his fur soaked, rubbing to clear the smoke from his eyes. The square emptied in seconds. The big Laser Beast climbed onto his ride, kicked it into life and roared furiously off across the sky.

Dan waited for the smoke to dissipate and the sprinklers to shut off, then entered the bar, flipped the bartender a 5,000-SP credit chip and ordered a glass of water. He returned to the square and approached the unsuccessful street performer.

"You could have chosen a better disguise," he said softly.

"I could say the same to you."

"Here's a hint. Don't ever try buying clothes on this planet."

The talentless performer left his spot and walked with Dan towards the conference centre.

"Your names, please," the man on the door demanded politely.

"Dan O'Hara and Joe Hammer."

The doorman's eyes flickered, but he maintained his composure.

"End elevator, sir. The one marked as out-of-order. Sub-level nine."

"Thank you."

They passed through an area where a 56-year-old Russian was playing chess with a man in a cardboard Shockwave costume. Dan shot Joe a quizzical look, but Joe just shrugged. They entered the lift and Dan removed his Mexican disguise. Joe pressed the button marked "-9", and Daniel 'Laserblade' O'Hara, son of Scarlett and Snake-Eyes and leader of the Avengers' Ninja Force, and Sergeant Joe Hammer, a.k.a. Skyhammer, Autobot Pretender and Cameron Space Marine, descended into the bowels of the planet Zarg.

NEXT: AUTOPSY OF A BATTLE BEAST

[Grand Moff Muffin]

THE SEARCH FOR MR J

PART 2

Along one side of the conference table sat representatives of Earth's mightiest defenders, the Avengers - Franklin Richards, the Iron Man of 2020, son of Sue and Reed Richards; Daniel O'Hara, the tech-ninja codenamed Laserblade, son of G.I. Joe legends Scarlett and Snake-Eyes; and Katy Witwicky, Matrix-bearer and Circuit-Breaker, daughter of Buster and Jessie Witwicky. Opposite them sat members of the Cameron Space Marines - Sergeants Joe Hammer and Jack Runner, a.k.a. Skyhammer and Gunrunner, Autobot Pretenders; Lieutenant Danita 'Dareheart' Santella, their most competent and celebrated Circuit-Breaker, albeit on her third life, thanks to stolen alien medical technology, and officially deceased as far as the wider world was concerned; and honorary Sergeant Bullorn the Bludgeonly Bulldog, a Battle Beast.

Making a special appearance alongside the Avengers was the Sorcerer Supreme Emeritus, a grey-haired Dr Stephen Strange, providing expert input at the request of his successor on Earth, Illyana Rasputin. The meeting was led, however, by Squadron Commander Arigoz, a.k.a. Silencer, 53-year-old former Nebulan partner of the Autobot Targetmaster Landfill and leader of the Cameron Space Marines.

"What you're seeing on the screen," commenced the Squadron Commander when all were settled, "is a genuine Battle Beast, deceased, one of three handed over to our friends in Autobot City as a courtesy by the Decepticon Sixshot. Sergeant Bullorn?"

"Yep, that's one of my lot," said Bullorn. "Name's Strong Panzer Panda."

STRONG PANZER PANDA

Allegiance: N/A
Function: Battler for fun
First appearance: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Fortress Scorponok

Status: Deceased


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

"Was he a friend of yours?" asked Sergeant Runner.

"Yeah, I fought 'im a couple of times. He was a decent bloke. But we came to Cybertron on different ships and I wasn't there when he fell in the battle for Fortress Scorponok." The bulldog-headed Battle Beast's gaze was fixed on the neat blaster holes in the panda's torso.

"Standard Battle Beast attributes," continued Silencer. "General characteristics of a Terran animal, but in a six-foot humanoid form. Partial suit of armour, melee weapon, in this case a machete, and... a square black 'rubsign' identifying the nature of his magical powers."

"Yeah, he had the power of fire, same as me. It's the best Battle Beast power to have," Bullorn added with a note of pride.

"Dr Strange?"

"Let's... come back to the issue of the Battle Beasts' 'magic' when we've covered a little more ground."

"As you wish. Next slide, please."

NEXT: SLO THE SLOWPOKE SLOTH

[Grand Moff Muffin]

THE SEARCH FOR MR J

PART 3

"Couldn'tcha use your alien med-tech doohickey to bring these guys back like what you did wi' me?" Bullorn muttered to Lieutenant Santella.

"Sorry, Bull, but they've been dead for far too long. My Recorder and I did several trials before I was willing to stake my own life on the tech. You were the only success, because we got to you while you were still warm."

Silencer cleared his throat. "People, the next subject is 'Slo the Slowpoke Sloth'."

SLO THE SLOWPOKE SLOTH

Allegiance: N/A
Function: Battler for fun
First appearance: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Fortress Scorponok

Status: Deceased


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

"Wazzock," said Bullorn the Bludgeonly Bulldog.

"I beg your pardon?" said Silencer.

"Not a 'fire', I take it," surmised Franklin.

"It's not that. I mean, look at 'im. He liked fighting, don't get me wrong, but he was so slow, he had to be carried into battle by his comrades. And he was a decent climber, but only when not carrying that silly great spear of his."

"How did he survive as long as he did?" wondered Katy Witwicky.

"Powerful water magic. Oh, and he had laser blasters attached to his wrists."

"Who gave him the wrist blasters?" asked Franklin.

Bullorn scratched behind his ear and looked uncomfortable. He glanced at his own missile rifle / walking stick, propped up against the wall by the conference room door. "Can't really say... All Battle Beasts have armour, and weapons, and magic powers."

"You don't remember being given yours?" pressed Danita.

"Who remembers their first day?"

The two Autobots raised their hands. No-one else did.

"We may not remember being born, but we see the births of others, so we know how it works," protested Daniel.

"We don't," shrugged Bullorn.

"You mean you don't procreate like..." he trailed off.

"People and animals?" Bullorn finished for him. "Nope. We have mums and dads, but they don't produce the kids."

"Oh. So what do you-"

"We battle for fun."

"Hm."

There was an uncomfortable silence.

"Anyway," resumed the Squadron Commander. "This has raised a couple of important points. First, Battle Beasts are not animals. It's easy to group them, say, with the intelligent, talking animals of the planet Halfworld, but there is no basis for that. Contrast Wal Rus of Halfworld with Wolfgang Walrus Sea Iron of Planet Beast. One is a technologically enhanced walrus. The other is a humanoid with walrus features but standing upright on two legs, and possessing arms rather than flippers. Friend Bullorn here is no more an Earth bulldog than... the Thundercats are Earth cats." He looked around the room to satisfy himself that he was being clearly understood, then gave the signal for the next slide.

BLACK JAGUAR-PANTHER

Allegiance: N/A
Function: Battler for fun
First appearance: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Fortress Scorponok

Status: Deceased


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

"She was cool," said Bullorn, approvingly.

"Let me guess - fire?" quipped Dan.

"You got it, bro'."

"Second important point," continued Silencer. "We don't know exactly where Battle Beasts come from. Conventional Battle Beasts, that is. But there are other so-called Battle Beasts whose origins we understand a little better. Next slide, please."

NEXT: GREEN CHAMELEON

[Grand Moff Muffin]

THE SEARCH FOR MR J

PART 4

"Is that really true, what you said?" whispered Lieutenant Santella to Bullorn the Bludgeonly Bulldog. "About not knowing where new Battle Beasts come from?"

"Well, every season there's a visit by the travelling Battle Beast, Stungrenade Stork. And that very same day, we get a new contingent of Battle Beasts to replace those we've lost battling for fun."

Dani stared at him. His canine facial expression was unreadable. Was she imagining things, or did he just wink? How much of what he'd just been saying could they rely on, and how much was... bull?

"Ahem," continued the Squadron Commander. "Our next subject, we simply call 'Green Chameleon'."

GREEN CHAMELEON

Allegiance: Xagra
Function: Henchbeast
First appearance: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Battle Beasts Strike!

Status: Deceased


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

"Never seen 'im before in me life," said Bullorn.

Unlike Strong Panzer Panda and Black Jaguar-Panther, who had clearly both been shot by a laser blaster, and Slo the Slowpoke Sloth, who had obviously been stitched back together in the autopsy room before being photographed, there didn't appear to be anything wrong with Green Chameleon.

"He looks pretty much intact," said Sergeant Runner. "What did he die of?"

"Good question," said Silencer. "Mr Richards?"

"This fine fellow and two of his friends launched a rather senseless and amateurish attack on New York. Because they were an unknown quantity at the time, the Avengers responded in force. This one tried to invoke some kind of wood magic, but Illyana, our Sorceress, nullified it with ease so that all he got were daisies. (Illyana happens to like daisies.) She then teleported him straight into a cage in her Sanctum Sanctorum. Nobody laid a finger on him. But when we fetched him out of Illyana's little pocket dimension to question him, he said, 'Oops,' and then just stopped. Total cessation of all bodily functions."

"That's odd," said Bullorn.

"Mine did exactly the same thing when Ultra Magnus gently picked him up," said Katy. "Have you got him on the next slide?"

CUTTHROAT CUTTLEDEEP

Allegiance: Xagra
Function: That Kind Of Battle Beast
First appearance: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Battle Beasts Strike!

Status: Deceased


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

"Awesome," said Bullorn. "He's replaced one of his tentacles with a surface-to-air missile. Certain dismemberment for 'im if he ever fires it, but it sure makes a statement. He's what I call a T-KOBB. That Kind Of Battle Beast."

"What can you tell us about him?"

"Not a thing. Never clapped eyes on 'im before."

"Not surprising," said Silencer. "We don't believe either this one or the Green Chameleon have ever set foot on Planet Beast. Mr O'Hara?"

"One of my team, Hush Job, infiltrated a laboratory on Derut Four following the 2019 Galaxy Kombat tournament. He saw ten Battle Beasts growing in what appeared to be some kind of cloning tanks. The descriptions of six of them tally with those given by Franklin and Katy of the creatures that subsequently launched random attacks on North America."

"Six?" queried Sergeant Hammer.

"Two got away from me and Ultra Magnus," said Katy. "One got away from the Avengers."

"And the sixth?"

"Next slide, please."

NEXT: ULTRAGAS THE PEW-TRID SKUNK

[Grand Moff Muffin]

THE SEARCH FOR MR J

PART 5

"What is that thing?" demanded Sergeant Runner.

"We can't be certain, but we think it's supposed to be a Battle Beast skunk."

ULTRAGAS THE PEW-TRID SKUNK

Allegiance: Xagra
Function: Henchbeast
First appearance: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Battle Beasts Strike!

Status: Deceased


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

"What happened to it?"

"It invoked some kind of water magic," said Franklin. "But it was worse than raw sewage. I've never smelt anything so foul in all my life. Eros - Starfox - reacted particularly badly to it and gave this chap such an uppercut that he just sort of came apart at the seams. The Cameron surgeons have done their best to piece together all the bits."

"And the tentacled one also had special powers?" queried Dr Strange.

"Yeah, wood," nodded Katy. "Tried to ensnare me with fast-growing tree branches until I used the Creation Matrix to rearrange his armour all over his face."

"I see. And these creatures were seen growing in tanks just months beforehand."

"Three months earlier."

"Very well. Yes, I can see why you would describe such powers as 'magic', given that they are unexplained phenomena apparently triggered by a verbal incantation. But I wonder, friend Bullorn, whether you have ever tried using your fire magic without shouting, 'I invoke fire'?"

"No..."

"Please don't try it in here!" interjected Silencer.

"The reason I'm raising this," continued the Master of the Mystic Arts, "is that 'superpowers' tend to arise in one of three ways. They can occur naturally, for example through random genetic mutation." He nodded his head at Franklin. "They can be taught, and acquired through long years of study of the 'occult', as was my lot in life. Or they can be deliberately engineered, through technology, such as is the case with the Circuit-Breakers and size-changing Autobot Pretenders. It is not always easy to tell one from another."

Katy Witwicky suddenly sat bolt upright, as Dr Strange raised his hand, and the Squadron Commander's smartphone rose off the conference table and floated across the room to land on the magician's outstretched palm.

"Thank you... Now, was that magic?" he asked.

"Yes!" said Daniel O'Hara without hesitation.

"Are you sure? A few seconds before I raised my hand, I did in fact use a little 'magic' to send a psychic message to Ms Witwicky, asking her to assist me in a demonstration and use the Creation Matrix to levitate the Commander's phone over to me. Did it, then, float through the air by magic?"

"Um... no. The Matrix is a collective of invisible nanobots. We've seen them under an electron microscope. It's a power born of a super-advanced technology that we're unable to replicate. But I wouldn't call it 'magic'."

"The result achieved by powers with differing origins may be the same, but the term 'magic' is often reserved for those obtained through the learning of rituals and spells. From what I've seen and heard, Battle Beast 'magic' is not learned through teaching or the study of occult texts - it is innate. Battle Beasts have their powers right from the start. The question, then, becomes, are they a natural phenomenon, or are they intentionally engineered?"

"And that," said Silencer, portentously, "brings us neatly on to the origin of the Battle Beasts."

NEXT: SURELY NOT THE ORIGIN OF THE BATTLE BEASTS?

[Grand Moff Muffin]

THE SEARCH FOR MR J

PART 6

"I tried to tamper with natural evolution - to create a new race of super-beings - my New Men, as I called them... Into the Star Chamber with them - each and every one!"

"Star Chamber...?"

"The Knights of Wundagore have repulsed the Men-Beasts!"

"They were not to blame for what my machine had made them! Hence, it is not punishment they now receive - but a new lease on life! They go to a far distant galaxy - where they may form a society of their own!"

"Ay! Uninhabited Dromisana shall make a perfect home for a strange new race!"

- Marvel's The Mighty Thor #135
___

Silencer began: "Around the middle of the last century, in a futuristic citadel on Wundagore Mountain, Herbert Wyndham, also called the High Evolutionary, created his 'New Men', evolving animals into humanoid forms. One of them, a wolf-man, led a rebellion, but, thanks to an Avenger, the Asgardian God of Thunder, Thor, this violent insurgency was contained, and the war-like New Men were banished into outer space. Although their leader later returned to menace the Earth once more, the fate of many of his companions remained unknown... until now. For the course charted by their pre-programmed 'Star Chamber' towards the galaxy Dromisana intersects perfectly with the system in our Galaxy that is home to the world we now call Planet Beast."

"The Avengers' historical database confirms this account of events," said Franklin Richards.

"According to Sixshot," continued Silencer, "the space shuttle commanded by the Decepticon Skystalker scouted Planet Beast in the year 1986, touching down on its southern continent. It was Skystalker's crew who first met the Battle Beasts and gained from them the inspiration for Scorponok's first wave of Pretender shells. The Duocons ventured to Planet Beast five years after Skystalker, this time landing on its western continent, and took two Battle Beasts - Sawtooth Badshark and Triple Threat Snakebomb - away with them to Hydrus Four. In the years following that visit, many more Battle Beasts launched into space from the western continent, exploiting technology left behind by the Decepticons."

"But the New Men who were shot into space by the High Evolutionary surely weren't Battle Beasts as we know them today, or as they were when the Decepticons landed on Planet Beast?" challenged Sergeant Hammer.

"Correct. We must rely on the Battle Beasts' own knowledge to explain how their current society came into existence following the arrival of the New Men on an apparently uninhabited natural paradise world. Fortunately, on Derut Four, one of our Avengers-in-training made the acquaintance of the only Battle Beast to have taught herself to read - Sly Beafox, now mayor of Beastbourne. Sly Beafox and her companion, Golder the Ferocious Tiger, subsequently spent a few months living with the Avengers on Earth, during which time Mr Richards upgraded Golder's armour with Stark technology, and Sly Beafox recounted to her hosts the secret origin of the Battle Beasts."

NEXT: NOT THE SECRET ORIGIN OF THE BATTLE BEASTS?

[Grand Moff Muffin]

THE SEARCH FOR MR J

PART 7

According to the written records of the earliest Battle Beasts, long, long ago in the early 1970s, Planet Beast was a natural paradise world, but it was not uninhabited, and the paradise had a serpent.

The planet was, and still is, populated by millions of fire demons, wood spirits and water sprites. They keep themselves to themselves, the fire demons only consuming as much wood as they need to stay alight, the wood spirits drinking no more water than is necessary to survive, and the water sprites only quenching the fire when it gets out of control.



But they don't keep a low profile simply out of modesty - they are also hiding, from the monster from another galaxy residing at the heart of their world - the evil entity they call Devil-Z.



Devil-Z terrorised the inhabitants of Planet Beast, absorbing them into himself in order to grow more powerful.

When the New Men, as they called themselves, crash-landed and began battling one another for sport, the fire demons, wood spirits and water sprites put their heads together, in a manner of speaking, and came up with a plan to save themselves and their world from being utterly consumed by Devil-Z. They made a deal with the New Men, to bestow upon them 'magical' powers in return for their assistance combating the menace of Devil-Z. As they enjoyed fighting, the New Men were delighted at the offer. A form of binary-bonding occurred... and the Battle Beasts were born.

The conflict was bloody but brief, and Devil-Z was driven back into the deep, dark places of Planet Beast, seemingly vanquished. But as he went, he cursed the Battle Beasts to battle eternally without question, for no reason whatsoever. In a very short time, the Battle Beasts forgot their past, forgot how to read and write, forgot many things that they had previously valued, and, with one generation giving way to the next, they lost themselves in the pleasure of mortal combat.

This is what Sly Beafox read, and passed on to the Avengers. And the Avengers now shared it with Dr Strange, their Space Marine allies, and the Battle Beast known as Bullorn the Bludgeonly Bulldog.

NEXT: MR JOHNSON!

[Grand Moff Muffin]

THE SEARCH FOR MR J

PART 8

"Why did so many Battle Beasts leave Planet Beast last year with the intention of participating in or watching the 2019 Galaxy Kombat tournament on Derut Four?" asked Silencer, suddenly changing tack.

"Looked like a laugh," said Bullorn the Bludgeonly Bulldog, still digesting the idea that he had a fire demon living inside him.

"But I didn't see any Battle Beasts there in 2018," observed Danita Santella.

"Well, we didn't know about it back then."

"Isn't it true that Planet Beast was carpet-bombed with pictorial leaflets in the months leading up to the most recent tournament?" pressed Silencer.

"Yeah... yeah! That was it!"

"Somebody wanted as many Battle Beasts as possible on Derut Four, taking part in the games," said Franklin Richards as the presentation moved on to the next slide. "And thanks to our ninja, Hush Job, we're pretty sure that somebody was the tournament's chief patron, Xagra, son of Zabra, and his ally... this man."



"These are the people who created ten new Battle Beasts in cloning tanks, six of whom launched attacks on Earth just a few months later," said Daniel. "We believe he - they - harvested genetic material from the combatants who fell in the Galaxy Kombat tournament, altered it and used it to bring their creations to life - with fire demons, wood spirits and water sprites fully integrated into the cloning process. They used your people to clone Battle Beast magic."

"Xagra went on to create several more Battle Beasts," said Silencer. "And these ones launched an attack on Nebulos. Next image, please."

HARRIER HAWK THE EAGLE KILLER

Allegiance: Xagra
Function: Henchbeast
First appearance: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Stylor's Staff

Status: Deceased


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

"This feathered lady was shot out of the sky by the Autobot Headmaster Chromedome, to put a stop to her conjuring up living trees to attack the good people of Splendora."

"But who was that human creep who teamed up with Xagra?" demanded Dani.

"I'm glad you asked. We have a name, which you've heard before..."

NEXT: CROOKED CROWMAX

[Grand Moff Muffin]

THE SEARCH FOR MR J

PART 9

Previously, in 'Stories from Grand Central Space Station':

"Meet Mr Johnson. He's a Life-Model Decoy of my new employer - identical except for the lack of beard."
___

Previously, in 'Irwin Spoon Goes to Cybertron':

I eventually succeeded in speaking to someone who called himself Mr Johnson. Said he did indeed represent SHIELD, and I believed him... Mr Johnson gave me his card and told me to call him direct if I needed anything in future.
___

Previously, in 'Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Battle Beasts Fight!':

"A real pleasure doing business with you, Xagra," smiled the human, pleasantly, already on his way out.

"Likewise... Mr Johnson," muttered Xagra.
___

CROOKED CROWMAX

Allegiance: Xagra
Function: Henchbeast
First appearance: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Stylor's Staff

Status: Deceased


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

"This chap went down in his own flames right alongside Harrier Hawk the Eagle Killer," said Squadron Commander Silencer. "Chromedome did manage to capture one of them, a flood-maker, alive, but..."

SHIELD DRAGON THE LEAPIN' LIZARD

Allegiance: Xagra
Function: Henchbeast
First appearance: Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Stylor's Staff

Status: Deceased


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

"Let me guess," grumbled Bullorn the Bludgeonly Bulldog. "Promptly stopped living after capture, right?"

"Right."

"I don't like this at all. I'd like to meet this 'Xagra'."

"Too late. He was murdered shortly after the Nebulos incident."

"And the human...?"

"Mr Johnson. We're not convinced he is a human."

TO BE CONCLUDED

[Grand Moff Muffin]

THE SEARCH FOR MR J

CONCLUSION

"We've compiled quite a thick dossier on our friend 'Mr Johnson' in recent years," said Silencer. "And before anyone points out that Johnson is a common name on Earth, we have shown Irwin Spoon, the human who met a supposed SHIELD agent called Mr Johnson back in 1992, a picture of the Mr Johnson seen by the ninja Hush Job on Derut Four in 2019. They are one and the same man, and apparently he hasn't aged a day in the intervening twenty-seven years - unlike, I might add, the bearded billionaire on whose face Mr Johnson's clean-shaven features appear to be modelled."

"So what are you suggesting?" interrupted Franklin. "That he's a Life-Model Decoy gone rogue? That's not impossible. It's happened before..."

"Yes, but we don't believe this to be a simple malfunction. You see, last year, thanks to the co-operation of Irwin Spoon and the Insecticon Bombshell, Lieutenant Santella and the Cybertronian Autobots succeeded in capturing a human working for Mr Johnson, and the Autobots subjected him to gentle but insistent interrogation. This human, who has since been returned to Earth, his memories of his capture erased, truly believes himself to be working for SHIELD, but we have yet to untangle the extent to which Mr Johnson's operation has infiltrated the real SHIELD and the extent to which it is simply posing as SHIELD. At any rate, we're playing it safe, hence the secret location and lack of SHIELD representation at today's meeting."

"But the L.M.D., or whatever it is?" pressed Daniel O'Hara.

"The human agent's answers to Prowl's questioning pointed to Mr Johnson having links with the old Decepticon disposal and recycling programme. Way back in the year 1991, the U.S. Secretary of Defense permitted the Protectobot First Aid to supervise SHIELD's dismantling and permanent decommissioning of three of the Decepticons' former leaders, Shockwave, Starscream and Galvatron. But there was one deactivated leader captured by the American authorities whose execution was not witnessed by the Autobots. And, unlike other fallen Decepticons, such as the Seacons, Stunticons and Terrorcons, there are no reliable records extant of his body's final disposal. For three decades, we have overlooked a loose end from the Autobot-Decepticon war, which we fear has now come back to haunt us. It seems that the dismantling and recycling of one of the Decepticons' former leaders was outsourced by SHIELD to a British multinational called Virgin Group. And pieces of that Decepticon, including his brain module, somehow got 'lost in the system'."

"What are you saying?" asked Katy Witwicky, somewhat impatiently.

"I'm saying that Mr Johnson is Ratbat."
___

The meeting reconvened after a short comfort break.

"What's the mission, boss?" asked Lieutenant Danita 'Dareheart' Santella.

"Xagra's motley crew of 'evil' Battle Beasts was only the tip of the iceberg. It seems that they were just a trial run, play-things destined to end up as arena fodder. They were prototypes for an army of 'Laser Beasts' that Xagra was building for his customer, Mr Johnson. Xagra is now dead, but he completed his work before he died, and his cloning machines and clone army have now turned up, on the otherwise unpopulated western continent of Planet Beast. We've lost track of Mr Johnson himself, but the odds are good that we'll also find him there."

"And this 'Devil-Z'?"

"We don't know if there's a connection, but it's an extra worry. And to make matters worse, Mr Johnson is onto us. Mr O'Hara and Sergeant Hammer observed one of Mr Johnson's Laser Beasts in the town square above us just prior to this meeting."

GROUNDWOLF 3

Allegiance: Mr Johnson
Sub-group: Laser Beast
Function: Tracker
First appearance: Right here

Status: Angry


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

"I tagged his bike with a tracker," said Daniel.

"Good. Leave him to us. Your task now is to brief your Ninja Force of Swift, Hush Job, Styletta, and the Thunderians, Pumyra and Wildkitten, on what has been discussed today, and prepare them to go to Planet Beast with Lieutenant Santella and Sergeants Bullorn, Hammer and Runner to help protect the friendly and non-aligned Battle Beasts of the southern land mass, find out what Mr Johnson and his Laser Beasts are up to, and take whatever measures you consider necessary to thwart it. You will travel on Countdown's Micromaster shuttle with the Thunderstrike, and Countdown and the Astro Squad will remain in the system to provide emergency backup if things get hot and you need more Autobot muscle than Skyhammer and Gunrunner can provide. Any questions?"

Dr Strange opened a portal to take himself, Franklin and Katy back to Avengers Tower on Earth, and Silencer retrieved his phone and signalled that he was ready to beam up to the orbiting star-glider 'Vigilant' and return to Cameron.

"Good luck."

THE END

[Grand Moff Muffin]

THE SEARCH FOR MR J

EPILOGUE 1

Groundwolf 3's skull-fronted flying motorbike roared across the desert of the planet Zarg. He was just five miles out from the Laser Beast's landing craft and closing fast when his bike's sensors picked up a red car approaching fast from ahead and to the right. He zoomed in and saw an Autobot insignia on its bonnet. Still fuming from his soaking back at the bar, he altered course to intercept.

As the car came into plain sight, Groundwolf 3 saw a human eject from its roof and transform into a Powermaster engine, which locked onto the vehicle's front bonnet. The car transformed to robot mode, raised its arms, and Groundwolf 3 felt his laser rifle being wrenched from his grip by an invisible magnetic force, and his bike veer from side to side as it was pulled down towards the planet's surface.

The last thing Groundwolf 3 saw was the Autobot Windcharger stretching his arms wide, ready to bring them together hard.

THE END

[Grand Moff Muffin]

THE SEARCH FOR MR J

EPILOGUE 2

"What's the latest from Beastbourne?" Musky Oxhorn asked Udan the Ossified Orangutan as they carried their pints back to their usual table in the Worm and Carrot. "Heard you had quite a few comings and goings today."

"Could say that," replied his hairy companion, gripping his tankard in his one remaining hand. "Big alien ship parked in orbit over the town. Small three-person landing craft came down first, landed just outside the town ramparts. Two pink-skins and one blue-skin got out, not wearing much in the way of armour. Flat faces, tiny noses. Looked a bit like the humans we saw on Derut Four, only with pointier ears and patterns in their hair. The blue-skin looked stronger than the pink-skins but walked with a limp and was helped along by the pink-skin with brown and white hair. Pink-skin with red and black hair flew on ahead on a hoverboard. Mayor Beafox met her at the town gates with her tiger bodyguard, and greeted the pink-skin with a hug, if you can believe it."

"Meaning they'd met before?"

"Guess so. They spoke for a bit, then pink-skin with brown and white hair took out what looked like a dagger with a red jewel in its hilt and swung it around until it extended into a full-size sword, and the jewel projected a big red disc with a cat's-head symbol onto the clouds above the town."

"Baboon said she saw that when she was cleaning up fight debris outside the pub, but I didn't believe her. Almost came to blows over it."

"Well, guess you owe her an apology. Anyway, seems to have been a signal to the big ship in orbit, saying it was safe to come on down, because a few minutes later down came a smallish white shuttlecraft. It landed beside the three-seater, opened its side doors and out came a flying vehicle, a ground vehicle, Bullorn the Bludgeonly Bulldog, four or five hooded humans with katana swords on their backs, and what looked like a small purple robot bird, which enlarged into a ponytailed but otherwise bald-headed human in magic size-changing armour."

"Udan, did you start drinking early today?"

"Yes, but only after I'd seen all this go down. But here's the best bit. The humans unloaded some heavy crates, and once they'd done that the shuttle split in two, and the two halves transformed into robots, shrinking down until they were just seven feet tall. The robots helped carry the crates into the town, then transformed, enlarged and combined into a shuttle again and took off back to the mothership."

Dream Eater the Torrential Tapir had been listening from a nearby table, rose and came over, half-filled tankard in hand. "Were the two vehicles that came off the shuttle driven by humans?" he asked.

"Yeah, why?"

"Just wondering how many tourists we had coming in," he shrugged. "You're sure the vehicles weren't driving themselves like the shuttle?"

"Positive."

"Okay." The Torrential Tapir headed for the door, leaving his half-finished drink on the bar as he passed. Udan and Musky Oxhorn gave each other looks. He was always a strange chap.

In a dark spot behind the Worm and Carrot, Dream Eater met Groundwolf 5 and told him what he had heard.

"The Autobots just dropped off their passengers and left?" growled the canine Laser Beast.

"That's right."

"Good. The boss is pleased with your work. Keep your ears open and we'll be in touch."
___

In the mayor's compound, Sergeants Hammer and Runner, a.k.a. Skyhammer and Gunrunner, Autobot Pretenders, stowed away their vehicles, and the officially deceased Dani Santella and Rigellian Recorder 922 removed the ninja garb lent to them by Styletta and Hush Job. They then headed together into Sly Beafox's office to join their comrades and plan their next move.

THE END

[Grand Moff Muffin]

FACT-FILE INTERFACE

GUNRUNNER (a.k.a. Sergeant Jack Runner)

Allegiance: Cameron Space Control
Function: Space Marine
Sub-group: Pretender
First appearance: The Last Days of the Transformers War: Unicron

"The truth wrapped in a lie is still a lie."



Gunrunner is a superhero in reverse. He is daring and defiant when disguised as the human, Jack Runner, but shy and insecure when in his larger Autobot form. He is smart and brave (intelligence 9, courage 9) but has accepted an effective demotion to sergeant in order to serve alongside humans in the Cameron Space Marines.

Disguised as a human, Jack Runner drives a ground assault vehicle equipped with armoured wheels and hydraulic lifters for all-terrain combat. Mounted on its roof are twin, turreted, 8-millimetre electrostatic cannons with a range of over 60 miles, and two armour-piercing energy-plasma missiles. The tech-specs of the vehicle are speed 4, endurance 10, firepower 8.

When he leaves the protection of his vehicle, Jack phases into his twenty-five-foot Autobot form. Gunrunner then combines with the armaments mounted on the roof of the ground vehicle as he transforms from robot mode into a hypersonic jet with a maximum speed of Mach 5. In jet mode, he has full use of the ground vehicle's electrostatic cannons and energy-plasma missiles. His armour plating is equipped with thermal generators that burn through solid rock. The tech-specs of his Autobot form are strength 7, speed 7, endurance 6, firepower 8, skill 7.

Gunrunner worries about leaving his ground vehicle unattended on Planet Beast if and when he is forced to go into combat in his jet form. He much prefers remaining in his human form, driving the vehicle into battle on land.

FILE ENDS

FACT-FILE INTERFACE

SKYHAMMER (a.k.a. Sergeant Joe Hammer)

Allegiance: Cameron Space Control
Function: Space Marine
Sub-group: Pretender
First appearance: The Last Days of the Transformers War: Unicron

"There is no disgrace in not succeeding, only in not trying."



Skyhammer is a valiant, vigilant warrior, dedicated to defending the innocent - and in his mind that includes all friendly and non-aligned Battle Beasts. Like Gunrunner, he is clever and daring (intelligence 8, courage 9) but has accepted an effective demotion to sergeant in order to serve alongside humans in the Cameron Space Marines.

Disguised as a human, Joe Hammer drives an automated high-tech sky cruiser ideal for defending against enemy attack. Thermal blasters in the cruiser's wings liquefy metal on impact, while front-mounted high-frequency modulators provide long-range audio and visual surveillance and tracking capabilities. Coolant vents in the cruiser's nose emit black clouds of sleep gas, and top-mounted turbo-fans can produce cyclonic wind funnels. The cruiser is also armed with twin lightning bolt cannons and a programmable, steel-shattering sonic overloader. The tech-specs of the sky cruiser are speed 8, endurance 10, firepower 8.

Joe Hammer wears an exo-suit that is armed with a photon pistol and capable of converting into a supersonic hoverjet. He can also phase into his twenty-five-foot Autobot form, which transforms into a ground vehicle. In both modes, the Autobot Skyhammer uses the sonic overloader that's mounted on his sky cruiser when he's in his human form. The tech-specs of his Autobot form are strength 8, speed 4, endurance 9, firepower 8, skill 9.

FILE ENDS

[Grand Moff Muffin]

BLITZKRIEG DEVILBAT

Allegiance: Decepticon
Function: Emperor of the western continent of Planet Beast
First appearance (as Ratbat): Marvel's Transformers UK #99 ('Under Fire')
First appearance (as Mr Johnson): Stories from Grand Central Space Station: J'Oh the Bartender's Tale
First appearance (as Vrobian imposter): Characters from the 1987 Toy Range: Battle Beasts Fight!
First appearance (as himself): Right here

"I believe this belongs to... me."


Image source: www.toyarchive.com


Profile: Ratbat was one of the many deactivated Decepticons captured by SHIELD in 1991 when Primus transported Scorponok and his followers to Cybertron, leaving their former base on Earth undefended. But unlike his fellows, the disposal of Ratbat's remains was outsourced to a British multinational, one of whose junior technicians let curiosity get the better of him and connected the Decepticon's brain up to a power source, enabling them to have a conversation. In no time, Ratbat tricked the human into installing his brain into a SHIELD Life-Model Decoy of one of the company's founders, and Mr Johnson was born. The technician promptly suffered an unfortunate fatal accident, and Ratbat's remains were apparently mistakenly incinerated with general waste - brain module included, or so it said on the paperwork.

Avoiding the Internet, which was patrolled for Decepticon activity by Ethan Zachary's copy of Optimus Prime, Mr Johnson hacked the hardline connecting the servers of SHIELD with those of the trusted multinational, and thoroughly infiltrated both. Over the course of the next twenty-five years, Mr Johnson extended his influence into outer space. By the year 2019, he had acquired sufficient money and power to quietly employ the services of the alien Xagra, and use captured Battle Beasts to create a clone army behind the scenes of the Murderpits of Derut Four. Soon afterwards, Xagra was murdered, supposedly by one of his own test subjects. Mr Johnson took custody of the first batch of Laser Beasts, Xagra's cloning equipment and the brain-dead body of the Battle Beast called Blitzkrieg Devilbat, who had been killed and replaced by a Vrobian imposter just prior to the 2019 Galaxy Kombat tournament. He then made his way to the unpopulated western land mass of Planet Beast.

In the year 2020, six weeks after Mingo Kid the Frenzied Flamingo stumbled upon Mr Johnson's clone army training camp, and three weeks after the arrival on Planet Beast of Sly Beafox's friends from Earth and Cybertron, the Decepticon pirate ship Shocking Shark surfaced just off the coast of the southern land mass, within sight of the haven town of Beastbourne. It spat out the remains of Mr Johnson, devoid of brain module, and a miraculously resurrected Blitzkrieg Devilbat stepped onto the deck and declared to the astonished Battle Beasts that the abandoned western continent was now a glorious Laser Beast republic, and trespassers were not welcome. To prove his peaceful intent, he returned Mingo Kid, Major Wavemoose and their four companions alive and reasonably unharmed, but warned that the next uninvited guests to set foot on his turf would be shot on sight.

Blitzkrieg Devilbat has no friends, only business partners. His sole allegiance is to himself. His Laser Beast clone army is genetically programmed to show him deference and obey his every command. He likes to feed by plunging his fangs into the pulsating veins of a living Battle Beast. The healthier the victim, the better its blood tastes to him. This usually proves fatal to the Battle Beast concerned. Although many of his followers find this practice disgusting, they are more than willing to help Blitzkrieg Devilbat indulge in his horrible habit by procuring victims for him. They realise that if he can't satisfy his bloodlust in this way, he might select one of them. And, given their innate loyalty programming, they are likely to let him.

Abilities: Blitzkrieg Devilbat's armour contains chemical sensors that enable him to locate and distinguish between different living creatures, both biological and mechanical. They are able to detect the slightest scent - their sensitivity records molecular concentrations as low as one part per quadrillion in the air. Within his mouth are retractable mecha-fangs that can puncture all but the strongest materials. He uses them to feed himself. Blitzkrieg Devilbat has greater strength, speed and endurance that Ratbat ever had as a Decepticon. He has a maximum flying speed of 95 miles per hour and a range of 350 miles. He possesses great skill with an axe, and can fire a grappling hook cable from his left wrist up to thirty metres to snag and reel in his prey.

Weaknesses: Blitzkrieg Devilbat's wings are his most vulnerable part. They offer little resistance to artillery fire. When his body's biological brain died, so did the fire demon that gave him his flame powers. He therefore possesses no Battle Beast 'magic'.

Strength: 6
Intelligence: 9
Speed: 6
Endurance: 5
Rank: 10
Courage: 7
Firepower: 2
Skill: 9

[Grand Moff Muffin]

SAIRONS

Allegiance: Decepticon
Sub-group: Laser Beasts
Function: Frontal assault
First appearance: Right here

"All enemies shall be pierced by horns and trampled underfoot."


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

Profile: When Blitzkrieg Devilbat wants a forest levelled or fortifications smashed, he sends in the five Sairons. They get cross with anything that stands in their path, as if it was seeking to taunt them with its very existence. The only cure for their anger is the utter grinding to dust of the offending obstacle.

Abilities: Created using genetic material extracted from a captured descendant of the legendary Rocky Rhino Graysharp, the Sairon squad is the Battle Beast equivalent of a battering ram. They have the strongest armour of all those in the Laser Beast army, and use their power of fire both to raze vegetation and settlements to the ground, and to charge their kinetic pulse laser rifles.

Weaknesses: The Sairons are clumsy and easily outwitted. When charging, they cannot quickly slow down or change direction and may be easily evaded by opponents who are lighter on their feet.

Strength: 9
Intelligence: 2
Speed: 4
Endurance: 9
Rank: 5
Courage: 10
Firepower: 7
Skill: 3

[Grand Moff Muffin]

BRAINMICE

Allegiance: Decepticon
Sub-group: Laser Beasts
Function: Co-ordinated action
First appearance: Right here

"We will smash you, we will bash you, we will kill you, dead, dead, dead!"


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

Profile: The Brainmice work as a unit. Whether engaged in espionage, sabotage, abduction, assassination or open warfare, they swarm together, each playing his or her part without need for verbal communication. Despite, or as a consequence of, their almost telepathic connection to one another, they can rarely resist celebrating a job well done with an improvised song, tailored to be relevant to the task at hand.



Abilities: The Brainmice are intelligent and intuitive as individuals, but they are devastatingly clever when operating collectively. They use the power of water to flood enemy positions that they have infiltrated, and carry laser guns, which are relatively weak by Laser Beast standards but highly effective when they open fire in unison. The Brainmice have claws in place of their left hands, which can interface directly with computers or be used as implements of torture on their prisoners.

Weaknesses: The Brainmice occasionally break into song when stealth is required, thus alerting their foes to their presence. They are physically small and weak, and a Brainmouse that is isolated from the group is easily defeated.

Strength: 3
Intelligence: 7
Speed: 5
Endurance: 3
Rank: 5
Courage: 9
Firepower: 5
Skill: 8

SCOPECOUGARS

Allegiance: Decepticon
Sub-group: Laser Beasts
Function: Snipers
First appearance: Right here

"The rarer the prey, the sweeter the triumph."


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

Profile: The Scopecougars live to hunt rare species to extinction. As most Battle Beasts are pretty unique, Planet Beast affords these selective snipers ample subjects to choose from. They reluctantly abide by Blitzkrieg Devilbat's strict injunction to only kill when he signals the time is right for them to do so. In the meantime, they are free to practise by lining up potential victims in their rifle sights, and they take great satisfaction in the knowledge that if they had pulled the trigger, their target would be dead. The Scopecougars are eager to slay the last of the Thunderians. As Scopecougar 2 puts it, "They're only pretend cats." Unlike him.

Abilities: The Scopecougars are stealthy and patient, and can shoot with perfect accuracy from a distance of 2.5 miles. Like the Groundwolves, they invoke the power of wood to charge up their laser-sighted sniper rifles, which fire sharpened hardwood spikes at a rate of 240 rounds per minute and never run out of ammunition.

Weaknesses: Fire causing a heat shimmer or smoke that obscures their field of vision severely reduces the Scopecougars' accuracy.

Strength: 7
Intelligence: 6
Speed: 5
Endurance: 7
Rank: 6
Courage: 9
Firepower: 7
Skill: 9

[Grand Moff Muffin]

UNARCHIES

Allegiance: Decepticon
Sub-group: Laser Beasts
Function: Underground warfare
First appearance: Right here

"Fire in the hole!"


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

Profile: The Unarchies are industrious tunnellers, and have created a labyrinthine network of passageways deep beneath the western continent of Planet Beast, as they search for the location where the alien entity known as Devil-Z was supposedly trapped by the very first Battle Beasts all those decades ago. If and when they locate him, their orders are to keep him contained and report back to their master, Blitzkrieg Devilbat, for fresh instructions.

Abilities: The Unarchies are highly efficient diggers, and are adept at undermining enemy strongholds. They use their fire magic to keep their drill lasers fully charged, and also to send flames rushing upwards through the tunnels that they've created, destroying everything that lies above. The left hand of each Unarchy fires a missile that follows the curve of any tunnel until it reaches its intended target.

Weaknesses: The Unarchies cannot function in daylight. Their only fear is of their tunnels becoming flooded, and of their drowning in the deep, dark underground.

Strength: 5
Intelligence: 5
Speed: 3
Endurance: 6
Rank: 5
Courage: 9
Firepower: 8
Skill: 6

[Grand Moff Muffin]

SALMOMANCERS

Allegiance: Decepticon
Sub-group: Laser Beasts
Function: Naval warfare
First appearance: Right here

"These little fishes bite back."


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

Profile: Distant relatives of the infamous Killer Carpfish and Sawtooth Badshark, the Salmomancers patrol the great ocean that lies between the western continent of Planet Beast, ruled by their master, Blitzkrieg Devilbat, and the southern land mass, where live the non-aligned Battle Beasts and those allied to the Autobots. The Salmomancers operate independently of Shocking Shark and his monkey pirate crew, who have been roaming the high seas of Planet Beast for decades prior to the arrival of Blitzkrieg Devilbat and his Laser Beast clone army. They are resentful of the Shark's superior knowledge of these seas, and yet contemptuous that he has achieved so little in all his time here.

Abilities: The Salmomancers invoke the power of water to create tidalwaves, swamping enemy ships and smashing them to pieces on the rocks. Meanwhile, their underwater lasers are lethally effective when it comes to dealing with any hostile forces encountered below the surface. Their rifles transform into launch-and-forget underwater drones, which can be pre-programmed to self-destruct once they reach their target. They can also be used for surveillance purposes.

Weaknesses: The Salmomancers' scorn for Shocking Shark leads them to wilfully ignore the information that he shares with them concerning the many and varied perils of the oceans of Planet Beast. As a consequence, too often they learn about these hazards the hard way. The Salmomancers are vulnerable to underwater explosives, and have no defence against attacks from the air.

Strength: 7
Intelligence: 4
Speed: 6
Endurance: 6
Rank: 5
Courage: 9
Firepower: 6
Skill: 6

[Grand Moff Muffin]

SKYBAT 1 AND SKYBAT 5

Allegiance: Decepticon
Sub-group: Laser Beasts
Function: Bodyguards
First appearance: Right here

"You want the boss? You gotta come through us first."


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

Profile: Blitzkrieg Devilbat obtained five Skybats from Xagra. He told them he only required the two best fighters to serve as his personal bodyguards, and left them together in a sealed room to sort it out amongst themselves. Five minutes later, only Skybats 1 and 5 remained. They are the most fearless and loyal of all the Devilbat's Laser Beasts. And if one or both are killed, he can always make more.

Abilities: The Skybats have the best hearing of all Battle Beasts. For example, they can sense, identify and locate every heartbeat in Blitzkrieg Devilbat's fortress. Skybat 1 invokes the power of fire to charge up her heat blaster, which melts all but the hardest substances. Skybat 5 uses his water magic to energise his freeze cannon. They are both skilled in hand-to-hand combat with the emerald death-gauntlets that they wear on their left hands. The Skybats have a maximum flying speed of 75 miles per hour and a range of 250 miles.

Weaknesses: The Skybats' ears are so sensitive that they can be hurt or even killed by very loud sounds.

Strength: 7
Intelligence: 6
Speed: 5
Endurance: 6
Rank: 7
Courage: 10
Firepower: 6
Skill: 8

[Grand Moff Muffin]

BROWN LION 2

Allegiance: Decepticon
Sub-group: Laser Beast
Function: Standard-bearer
First appearance: Right here

"Look at me, I'm the Brown Lion!"


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

Profile: Created using genetic material extracted from relatives of the supposedly brilliant hero of Battle Beast history, White Leo the Pirate Lion, self-proclaimed Sheep Commander, the Brown Lions were intended to be the perfect soldiers, but something went wrong. They turned out to be the stupidest and clumsiest of all the Battle Beasts. On their very first mission, all but one of them misunderstood their orders, positioned themselves directly in front of the barrels of their own side's field guns, and were duly wiped out. They were no great loss to the army of Blitzkrieg Devilbat. Brown Lion 2 survived because he wasn't paying attention, being too preoccupied with his hair at the time. He is inordinately vain and spends most of his time grooming his magnificent locks. Blitzkrieg Devilbat assigned him to standard-bearer duty, meaning he will be in the front rank of any suicide attack. He considers this a great honour, and evidence of recognition of his personal beauty and charisma.

Abilities: Brown Lion 2 invokes the power of wood to make celebratory trees grow in honour of his own brilliance and victories yet to come. He carries a dummy laser gun because he can't be trusted not to shoot his own comrades while busily adjusting his glorious mane.

Weaknesses: Brown Lion 2 has the lowest life-expectancy of all Battle Beasts.

Strength: 7
Intelligence: 1
Speed: 5
Endurance: 7
Rank: 3
Courage: 10
Firepower: 0
Skill: 2

[Grand Moff Muffin]

DINOGATORS

Allegiance: Decepticon
Sub-group: Laser Beasts
Function: Foot soldiers
First appearance: Right here

"Snap to it!"


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

Profile: Created using genetic material obtained from descendants of the notorious Alligatron the Gruesome Gator, the Dinogators are the perfect ground troops and the backbone of Blitzkrieg Devilbat's Laser Beast clone army. Five were created initially, but the Devilbat was so pleased with their performance that, soon after arriving on Planet Beast, he cloned another twenty. They are generally left to their own devices in the swamps of the western land mass, awaiting the day when they are called upon to take up arms and go to war.

Abilities: The Dinogators' power of wood makes all plant matter within thirty metres of them wither and decay... though there are some who attribute this to their bad breath. They carry the 'hell's teeth' laser rifle, which is ideal for chewing up enemy fortifications.

Weaknesses: Their oral hygiene is atrocious, and at any given time two or three of them will be suffering from toothache. This seriously hampers their combat prowess. They must avoid fire, as their breath is highly combustible, and a stray spark could cause them to burn from the inside out.

Strength: 7
Intelligence: 5
Speed: 4
Endurance: 7
Rank: 5
Courage: 10
Firepower: 5
Skill: 7

[Grand Moff Muffin]

BLUE EAGLES

Allegiance: Decepticon
Sub-group: Laser Beasts
Function: Aerial assault
First appearance: Right here

"You are all weirdos."


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

Profile: The Blue Eagles are loyal patriots to the cause of Blitzkrieg Devilbat and western domination, but they are also snobs, appalled at the lack of order and discipline amongst their fellow Laser Beasts. They do their best to promote culture and professionalism at all times, but are invariably ignored or rebuffed. This gets them down, and whenever they despair of raising their less civilised compatriots out of the mire of foolishness in which they insist on wallowing, they retire to a high peak and keep themselves to themselves. As they put it, "How can you be expected to soar like an eagle when you work with turkeys?"

Abilities: The Blue Eagles can fly at 165 miles per hour, in perfect formation. They invoke the power of water to summon dark storm clouds, and the sky turns black to herald their approach. They use their rapid-fire laser cannons to rain death and destruction on their enemies below - but in a very precise and ordered way, keeping the mess to an absolute minimum.

Weaknesses: The other Laser Beasts consider their snobbish avian comrades to be a bunch of muppets.

Strength: 6
Intelligence: 7
Speed: 7
Endurance: 5
Rank: 6
Courage: 9
Firepower: 6
Skill: 8

[Grand Moff Muffin]

SKULLGROTES

Allegiance: Decepticon
Sub-group: Laser Beasts
Function: Firestormers
First appearance: Right here

"Dracarys."


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

Profile: And Blitzkrieg Devilbat also has five dragons.

Abilities: F-F-F-FIRE!

Weaknesses: Water...

Strength: 9
Intelligence: 7
Speed: 9
Endurance: 10
Rank: 7
Courage: 10
Firepower: 9
Skill: 8

[Grand Moff Muffin]

THREE KINGS

Allegiance: Decepticon
Sub-group: Laser Beasts
Function: Prehistoric predators
First appearance: Right here

"The past is yet to come."


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

Profile: Three dinosaur-derived Laser Beasts - Kingbuster 2, Slag King 4 and Slag King 5 - travelled to Earth's Savage Land in the year 2020 on the orders of Blitzkrieg Devilbat, with the aim of obtaining a full spectrum of genetic samples from the prehistoric fauna of that lost kingdom. The presence of these self-proclaimed 'Three Kings' came to the attention of two of the Dinobots, Sludge and Swoop, and their guests, Cloud the living nebula, and Thundakat, formerly Wilykat, the only one of the four surviving Thunderians to have made the decision not to become a full member of the Avengers' Ninja Force, preferring to seek a more peaceful existence in wild, natural surroundings. Peace was not on the menu today, however, as the Dinobots objected to the Three Kings' rough handling of their Savage Land dinosaur brethren, and they came to blows. The Beasts' laser fire proved no match for the Dinobots' armour, and Sludge easily shrugged off Kingbuster 2's attempts to immobilise him with fast-growing vines and tree roots. When the two Slag Kings invoked the power of fire to set the trees ablaze, Cloud put it out with her own rain storm, and drove the Three Kings to flee into the jungle with a barrage of non-lethal lightning bolts. The Dinobot Swoop settled on the roof of the Laser Beasts' ship, claiming it as the spoils of victory, while Thundakat used explosive bombs from his utility belt to destroy the Three Kings' genetic sampling equipment, thereby putting an end to any prospect of them completing their mission.

Abilities: Kingbuster 2 is strong for a creature of his size, and has powerful jaws, which are capable of snapping most creatures in two, regardless of what armour they might be wearing. The Slag Kings can fly at speeds of up to 85 miles per hour, with a range of 40 miles, and breathe 900-degree flames capable of reaching up to 120 feet, though they are not remotely in the same league as the Skullgrotes dragons when it comes to fire-breathing. All three carry laser pulse rifles, which they charge up using Battle Beast 'magic'.

Weaknesses: The Three Kings are only seven feet tall, i.e. the size of Micromasters, and find the presence of full-size dinosaurs - and Dinobots - all over the Savage Land rather intimidating. It will take time for them to adjust to the ways of their new home, but they must do so quickly if they are to survive.

Strength: 7/5/5
Intelligence: 4
Speed: 3/6/6
Endurance: 6
Rank: 5
Courage: 8
Firepower: 6
Skill: 4

ZARIGANIANS

Allegiance: Decepticon
Sub-group: Laser Beasts
Function: Coastal defence
First appearance: Right here

"Speak to the claw."


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

Profile: The Zariganians are supposed to be constantly patrolling the shores of the western land mass of Planet Beast, ready to instantly repulse any unauthorised landing on the territory claimed by Blitzkrieg Devilbat. But they are lazy beach bums, and can usually be found instead dozing in rockpools. This behaviour frequently brings the wrath of their master down upon their heads, but they would rather suffer punishment than do any real work.

Abilities: The Zariganians can invoke the power of water to make the tides go in and out. They are armed with triple-barrelled laser pulse guns, which are good for blowing holes in the side of enemy ships, if the Zariganians can be bothered to make the effort. They have a secondary set of arms, which are useful for sifting through the sand on the beaches for washed-up trinkets and interesting sea shells.

Weaknesses: The Zariganians are undisciplined and not very much of a threat, unless you poke them with sharp wooden sticks - they really hate that.

Strength: 4
Intelligence: 3
Speed: 3
Endurance: 6
Rank: 4
Courage: 8
Firepower: 5
Skill: 3

[Grand Moff Muffin]

HUSTLEBEARS

Allegiance: Decepticon
Sub-group: Laser Beasts
Function: Shock troops
First appearance: Right here

"Prepare to meet a grizzly end."


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

Profile: After spending five years in the medical centre of the Cosmic Carnival while his saviours, the Thunderkittens, performed acrobatics to pay for his treatment, and a further year in Avengers Tower on Earth, the Thunderian Bengali was still not fully healed from the grievous, life-threatening injuries that he had suffered during the fall of New Thundera. However, he was determined to get back into the field and accompany the Avengers' Ninja Force on their extended mission to Planet Beast. In the haven town of Beastbourne, Bengali took a fancy to the recently constructed Tearin' Tiger Hunter, seeing similarities in it to the Thundertank of old, and Golder the Ferocious Tiger gave him permission to take it out for a spin. He soon found himself at the tavern known as the Worm and Carrot, whose patrons received him with a cool curiosity, while treating his inanimate vehicle as an object of veneration. The situation took a dark turn when a horde of homicidal Hustlebears chose that day to launch a terrorist raid on that particular independent hostelry. The good landlady of the pub and her loyal customers mustered a valiant resistance, aided by drink, but were outgunned by the lethal Laser Beasts, and it looked like this might be final orders for the Worm and Carrot, when Bengali opened up with the Tearin' Tiger Hunter's Cybertronian laser cannons, cutting down Hustlebears 1, 4 and 5 and sending Hustlebears 2 and 3 running for the hills.

Abilities: Nobody expects the homicidal Hustlebears when their moment to strike finally arrives. They creep through undergrowth and lie still for days on end awaiting the time when it has been predetermined that a massacre must take place. They strike swiftly and suddenly, invoking the power of wood to form a living cage around their target location so that nothing can escape as they sweep it clean of life with their deadly pulse rifles.

Weaknesses: The Hustlebears have no defence against Autobot laser cannons.

Strength: 6
Intelligence: 5
Speed: 4
Endurance: 7
Rank: 5
Courage: 10
Firepower: 5
Skill: 6

[Grand Moff Muffin]

TIGERBURN 1

Allegiance: Autobot
Sub-group: Laser Beast
Function: Warrior
First appearance: Right here

"Never look back."


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

Profile: The Tigerburns fought a fierce battle with the Avengers' Ninja Force in the foothills of Mount Everbeast. In the course of the battle, Tigerburn 1 fired upon the young female Thunderian called Pumyra, who deflected his laser bolt with the Sword of Omens, and the resultant blast caused a ground tremor and opened up a crevasse in the mountainside, down which they both slid into darkness. Tigerburn 1 invoked the power of fire to create light. His laser rifle was gone, but his opponent still had hold of her sword. They agreed a truce, at least until they could find a route back to the surface. Pumyra called on the Sword of Omens to grant her "sight beyond sight". It showed her the way out, but also a way down into a chamber that had been sealed shut for half a century. In that chamber, they found Devil-Z. Aghast at the awesome evil power that he perceived in this pulsating alien entity, Tigerburn 1 broke free from his genetic programming, and realised that he could never let Blitzkrieg Devilbat know what they had found here deep beneath the southern land mass of Planet Beast. They retreated from the energy tendrils of Devil-Z that eagerly reached out to embrace them. Pumyra used the Sword of Omens to collapse the tunnel, and Tigerburn 1 invoked the power of fire to fuse the rocks solid. They made their way back to the surface, and realising he could not now go back to his former master, Tigerburn 1 returned to Beastbourne with the victorious Ninja Force. He is the last surviving Tigerburn, unless, that is, Blitzkrieg Devilbat takes it into his head to make a fresh batch.

Abilities: Tigerburn 1 uses the power of fire to charge his laser bolt rifle and is a skilled and fearless hand-to-hand fighter, making full use of both tooth and claw. His battle armour is among the strongest of all the Battle Beasts and capable of deflecting most laser fire.

Weaknesses: If Blitzkrieg Devilbat ever learns that one of his slaves has broken free from his genetic programming and switched sides, his vengeance will know no bounds. Tigerburn 1 cannot stand contact with water.

Strength: 6
Intelligence: 6
Speed: 5
Endurance: 8
Rank: 5
Courage: 10
Firepower: 7
Skill: 7

[Grand Moff Muffin]

GREEN RAYFERS

Allegiance: Decepticon
Sub-group: Laser Beasts
Function: Amphibious assassination
First appearance: Right here

"Sweet dreams."


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

Profile: The Thunderian Wildkitten was awoken by the voice of her lately departed comrade, Lynx-O. Having survived the fall of New Thundera and drifted through space in a suspension capsule alongside Pumyra for five years before being resuscitated by the Avengers on Earth, Lynx-O had lived on for one more year before finally succumbing to extreme old age. Now he appeared from time to time in spiritual form, to provide guidance to his surviving fellow Thunderians, as had wise Jaga before him. On this occasion he roused his young friend with great urgency, warning her of imminent mortal danger threatening her kind host, the mayor of Beastbourne, Sly Beafox. Wildkitten was out of bed in a flash, bounding along a hallway and up a flight of steps before bursting into the mayor's bedchamber. There was a dark, horrific shape silhouetted against the window, half in and half out. The moonlight was reflected off a long double row of sharp, grinning teeth. Silently, it raised an oval, three-pointed axe-trident, ready to strike down the peacefully sleeping Battle Beast fox. Wildkitten leapt at the intruder with a feline snarl on her lips. The creature swatted her away with the flat of its axe, and with an angry hiss it ran forward to finish her off. But Sly Beafox had now been awakened by the commotion and sat up in bed. "I invoke wood!" she cried, and the floorboards obediently collapsed beneath the monster, sending it crashing down into the cobbled kitchen three storeys below, where a Japanese ninja was playing cards with Golder the Ferocious Tiger. The Tiger swore and reached for his spiked club, but Styletta's katana had already flashed, cutting the assassin cleanly in two. Wildkitten sprang to the window, her keen eyes saw three or four similar dark shapes dropping from the wall to the ground, and she heard quiet splashes as they entered the water and swam away.

Abilities: The Green Rayfers approach their prey by sea, using water magic to ensure favourable currents, before silently launching into the air to glide the final distance, landing in the grounds of enemy compounds, scaling walls and striking down their victims with their deadly laser stingers.

Weaknesses: The Green Rayfers' talent is a stealthy approach and swift action followed by a speedy retreat. They do not function well in face-to-face confrontations.

Strength: 5
Intelligence: 7
Speed: 6
Endurance: 6
Rank: 6
Courage: 9
Firepower: 3
Skill: 8

[Grand Moff Muffin]

FLYSAILOR 4

Allegiance: Decepticon
Sub-group: Laser Beast
Function: Camp captain
First appearance: Right here

"Shut your port-hole."


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

Profile: Flysailor 4 is the Frankie Howerd of the evil Laser Beast navy. Please, do not mock him! You don't know where he's been. He pilots the tugboat Ebon Flo, named after the mother he never knew. But shush, it's wicked, wicked to mock the afflicted - he might be one of your own.

Abilities: Flysailor 4 is a very able seaman. He uses the power of wood to keep the Ebon Flo looking shipshape and Bristol fashion, and repels boarders with his laser cannon, strong smell of fish and no-pets policy. No, wait, you're getting me confused with all your talking...

Weaknesses: Flysailor 4 becomes flustered if you interrupt his train of thought, and feels he has to start whatever he was doing all over again.

Strength: 6
Intelligence: 5
Speed: 5
Endurance: 5
Rank: 6
Courage: 9
Firepower: 5
Skill: 6

[Grand Moff Muffin]

SURR

Allegiance: Decepticon
Sub-group: Laser Beasts
Function: Boarding party
First appearance: Right here

"The Surr won't stay on Deck 16."


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

Profile: Blitzkrieg Devilbat has an unquenchable thirst to acquire new technology, and that means extending his reach into outer space. For that, he needs troops capable of functioning in the void. And so he engineered the perfect space pirates... the Surr!

Abilities: "Mayday! Mayday! This is the freighter 'Industrious' en route from Ethos to Kol! We have been attacked and boarded by an unknown force! The captain and first officer are dead! Those of us who are left have barricaded ourselves into the engine room, but they're burning their way in! It'll be only a matter of minutes, now... Oh, God! We caught a glimpse of them as they latched onto the hull... orange, armour-plated aliens, apparently able to survive for short periods in a vacuum... Our laser blasters just bounced off them! They have claws, and spikes all over - like some prehistoric sea creatures, but bred to operate in space! They shoot steam from their faces, which is so hot it can burn through metal, and they carry terrible energy weapons. It's not a random attack. I-I think they've come for our cargo of self-regulating liquid computers. Oh, no - they're almost through! I... don't think we're going to make it."

Weaknesses: "Skuttlebutt to Industrious. This is Beta Ray Bill. I have monitored your distress call and am on approach. Stand by."

Strength: 7
Intelligence: 4
Speed: 3
Endurance: 7
Rank: 5
Courage: 10
Firepower: 7
Skill: 5

[Grand Moff Muffin]

DRAGONS SEAHORN

Allegiance: Decepticon
Sub-group: Laser Beasts
Function: Underwater operations
First appearance: Right here

"Who are you calling a bottlenose?"


Image source: www.toyarchive.com

Profile: The Dragons Seahorn are not dragons, they're dolphins. For dragons, see the entry on the Skullgrotes. The Dragons Seahorn have two missions assigned to them. The first is to explore the submerged underground passageways deep beneath the western land mass of Planet Beast, in the hopes of finding a trace of the banished alien energy demon, Devil-Z. The second is to secretly build a massive spaceship beneath the artificial Isle of Fight, which Blitzkrieg Devilbat has created in the middle of the ocean that separates the western continent, which he rules, from the southern, where live the non-aligned Battle Beasts and a handful of Autobots. Blitzkrieg Devilbat had a cool flying island in a previous life, and he misses it. In the meantime, the Isle of Fight contains a wonderful 'natural' crater on its surface, which is a perfect arena for Battle Beast combat, and Blitzkrieg Devilbat has issued an open invitation for Beasts from either continent to meet there for merry duels.

Abilities: The Dragons Seahorn can shoot underwater flames from their noses to light their way in the depths of the ocean. They carry heavy power drills. They can stay underwater for around an hour or so before needing to come up for air.

Weaknesses: The Dragons Seahorn delight in battling for fun, but, unfortunately for them, their tasks are considered too important for them to waste time getting into fights. This gets them very frustrated, leading to them making mistakes and having little 'accidents' with their power tools.

Strength: 4
Intelligence: 7
Speed: 7
Endurance: 6
Rank: 5
Courage: 9
Firepower: 4
Skill: 6