All New, All Different Joke Thread

[Andy Turnbull]

Stolen from a website as I can't remember any right now.

Did you hear about the shoe factory that burnt down?

Two hundred soles were lost.

Andy

[grahamthomson]

Did you hear about the inflatable boy, who had inflatable parents, lived in an inflatable house, and went to an inflatable school with inflatable teachers?

Well, one day he found a needle and went on a rampage, jabbing at his dad, his teachers, his school and finally, himself.

Having found out, his mother took him to one side and severely telling him off: "You've let your dad down, your teacher down, in fact, you've let the whole school down," she said. "But worst of all, you've let yourself down."

[grahamthomson]

What do Spike, Buster and Sparkplug call their user-editable website?

The Witwiki!

[grahamthomson]

A sandwich went into a bar and ordered a pint of bitter.

"Sorry mate," said the barkeeper, "we don't serve food in here."

[Gav]

How do you kill a Circus?

Go for the Jugglar.

[Shockprowl]

Why did the pervert cross the road? 'Cos he couldn't get his nob out of the chicken.

[rurudyne]

My Grandmother, who's in her 80s, told me this:

What's between an 80 year old woman's breast that isn't between a 20 year olds?

Her navel.

(this is the kind of jokes women in my family tell me)






And now an old bit from Phil & Dixie:

Phil: Many a dungeon adventurer faces those odd times when they're up against a ravenous beast that is way too strong for their party — such as this Level 10 Mega-Rat monster we are facing now. At such times a well prepared player can save his character just by packing along a few unusual items.

Dixie: WHAT could you possibly have packed that could save us from THIS?!?

Phil: Why ... THIS!

*Phil produces a cat from his adventurer's bag*

Phil: You see, all we do is fling the cat towards the monster and then run like crazy while it's distracted.

*He does so and grabs the confused Dixie and pulls her away from the scene. But once they stop running...*

Phil: As you can see–

Dixie: ARE YOU CRAZY?!? HOW CAN YOU DO THAT TO A CAT?!?

Phil: Well ... they were out of bunnies....

[elliotthopkins]

Chuck Norris ...

sorry wrong thread ...

[rurudyne]

Chuck Norris walked into a bar.

Ouch!

[rurudyne]

Here are some conversations that the airline passengers don't hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.






Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"






"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"






A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."






A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."






Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What,exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."






A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."






One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."






The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, — and I didn't land."






While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the he** are you going?! ! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Deleted]

A man and his wife were walking through a field one day when the woman said 'I need to go behind a bush for a piss.' She went behind a nearby bush and her husband waited. He heard her knickers come down and decided to put his hand through the bush and inbetween her legs. He was shocked when he felt something long and hard. Afterwards, he asked his wife a question. 'Have you had a sex change?' he said.
'No' said his wife 'I changed my mind and had a shit instead.'

[rurudyne]

I just grabbed this one from elsewhere:


I was depressed one night and thinking of killing myself so I called in to a suicide prevention center. My call was routed to a call center in Pakistan and after the suicide prevention expert on the other end couldn't talk me out of it he asked me if I could drive a large truck.

[Cullen]

What do you call a donkey with three legs? A wonkey.

[rurudyne]

A minister was visiting a lady who had just buried her husband of 33 years. He was surprised to find that she seemed more interested in the diamond ring she was wearing than in grieving: she would wave her hand around at times and watch the stone sparkle and reflect light. Finally, no longer able to contain his curiosity, he asked her about it.

"Oh! This was a parting gift from my Ted, he's was so thoughtful! In his will he set aside $20,000 and told me to get a really nice stone!"

[Deleted]

What is Beelzebub's favourite drink?

The Devils Advocaat.

[Shockprowl]

What do you call a man in a swimming pool with no arms? Bob.

What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? Dug.



Yeah I know they're old! I just like 'em!

[rurudyne]

Quotable Quotes:

My wife, Mary, and I have been married for 47 years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never.

— Jack Benny

On the other hand ...

I'm an excellent house-keeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

— Zsa Zsa Gabor

[Shockprowl]

A truck driver is taking a load of Monkeys to Chester Zoo. Whilst on the way, his truck breaks down. Another passing truck driver pulls over.
"You ok mate?" he asks.
"Nope, trucks broken down, and I was taking these Monkeys to Chester Zoo."
"Well, I've not got a load on, you want me to take 'em for you?"
"Ah that'd be brilliant! Thank you!"
So they load the Monkeys onto the other truck, and off the kind driver goes.

2 hours later, the original driver is still stuck by the side of the road, when the kind driver pulls up going the other way. The monkeys are still onboard the truck!

"I thought you were taking the Monkeys to Chester Zoo!" The first driver asks confussed.
"I did, we're off the cinema now."

[andrewbcalculating]

A man walks into a pub and asks the barman "Do you sell any helicopter crisps?" The barman replies "No, only plain." ;D

|<o>|

[grahamthomson]

What did the cannibal mother say to her son when she caught him masturbating?

"Don't play with your food!"

[Cullen]

I was driving on the A69 the other day when I saw a sign that said 'Stationery Vehicles Ahead'. I was just thinking which thicko spelt stationery with an 'e' when I ran into the back of a WH Smith lorry.

[grahamthomson]

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila!

[Hero]

Did you hear about the shortsighted pimp who bought a warehouse?

===KEN

[rurudyne]

An elderly couple were in a busy fast-food joint one night. They sat down at a table with one combo meal and two sodas between them and the gentleman carefully cut the burger in half before dividing the fries.

A man at the next table saw this and offered to buy the couple a second meal but was politely refused by the gentleman who informed him: "No, the misses and I share everything."

As the woman ate the man would occasionally sip on his soda.

Finally, the man asked again, and practically begged, if they wouldn't LET him buy them a second meal.

This time the woman repeated what her husband had told him earlier.

As she was finishing eating, the younger man noticed that, a few sips of soda aside, the elderly man hadn't touched his food.

"I know you won't let me buy you a second meal," he began, "but, could you at least tell me why you haven't eaten anything?"

The older man smiled knowingly and nodded: "You're a good lad, so I'll tell you: I'm just waiting my turn with our teeth."