|
|
Post by The Doctor on Sept 26, 2008 20:13:10 GMT
I am trying to read this right now. It's fucking terrible!
#1 made me want to die. Not even the several pints I had earlier can help molify the sheer awfulness of this pile of manure. Fuck manure! I love manure! But this is proper shit! Not manure shit but proper shit! As in really bad shit not good shit. I mean bad as in bad not like drug talk in movies. ARGLEFUCKING WOO!
DAMN YOU DREAMWAVE! YOU MADE ME LOVE MANURE! WANKERS!
-Ralph
|
|
|
|
Post by The Doctor on Sept 26, 2008 20:40:54 GMT
Now fortified with Spitfire Ale ('The Bottle of Britain' it says here) I journyed into #2.
THAT WAS THE MOST FUCKING AWFUL COMIC I HAVE EVER READ!
*huff huff*
2 issues to go.
-Ralph
|
|
|
|
Post by The Doctor on Sept 26, 2008 22:17:38 GMT
OK, I've had enough time to reel from the shock and am still drinonnkig and Queen is on.
The Pyramids, eh? Why? Whwy the hell not?#
Issue 3:
pAGE 1: wHO THE heell is that? is that shockwave? That is not shockwave! damn you rob ruafflo!!!!!!! Marshmallows bad!
Page 2: Countdown has a cloaking thingy? Whjat!!! That makes no sense! Qhat is going on! I have no idea! But cheese and onion crisps do.
Page 3: I feel hate every time someone says 'Littyle Iacon;. Like dog poo. I do not like dog poo but more uself than this damn it.
Page something: "Oh no! Road Hugger!": The enhglish language just died.
Page what: Countsdown has been on slimming pills since last issue.
Page who the fuck knows: There's an asterisk here referring me to a guiodboojk. Wankers! Damn you! I need more booze!
Page the next: THE GOLDEN DISK???!!!!!OH hang on while I dip my wang in the pool of fankwank. mmmmm. FFS! GET A GRIP YOU WRITERS YOU! AND NOT THAT KIND OF GRIP! gaghhhhhh!!!!
Page 10: Deluxe insecticons lick balls.
Page I don;t know: THEW -BOOM! THEW!BNOOM1
pAGE A FEQ AFTER: I have no idea what is going on. Once long ago lived a sheep. It was a good sheep and it lived on a farm andf went baaaa and then the farmer killed it. Buit It had a good life. OIt never read this. Why why why must I torture myself so. I know not.
Page xxxx: "B.I.G. - Is you a fool?" is the most terrible dialogue ever spewed forth without the aid of beer. damn you writers of poo!!!!
Page Oblivion: Oh a mention of Vector Sigma. Excuse me while I wank into a bucket.
Page 18 to hell: Wait wait no just no dear lord no, blitzwing and shockwave, oh good lord that makes no sense, i want to put my hea din a bucket of worms. Hungry cold worms who have seen star wars episode 1.
Page 19: Shockers just asked BlitzWing to look after him when he sleeps. Homo-erotic detectors just blew! They've gone off teh scale!!!1 VbBLEEEEEP! BLEEEEPP!!
pAGE 20: sHOCKERS Has the clap. It's clear to me. He's been sleepinga round with Blitzwing and that;'s why he l;ooks so consipated there. That is unfortunate. He should have consulted his GP for some advice before sleeping around. The one eyed fool.
Pge the fucking end: "Prepare for the end!" damn right! I need more booze. this what is my name, I am not sure.
-Ralph
|
|
|
|
Post by The Doctor on Sept 26, 2008 22:44:42 GMT
OK we 've got some 'Golden Glow' ale now. Let's hope it's not a golden shower as we head into issue 4:
Cover: Wjy does green bloke havbe a dinghy? IS HE he trying to escape from thsi comic? I cam understand the need1 I wish to escape from this comic in the same way that bacteria escapes via the sphincter. Yes, that's right./ I'd rather be on the toilet screaming in torment yet I'm doing this for all of you! I read thsi coic so that you don't have to! Such is my sarcrifce! Like soldeiers on a beacch but without guns and stuiff. And I've got the heater on./
Page 1: "I was confident you would return!" Tosspot/
Page 3: Lit of text here. Difficult to fiocus. You know what I did earlier? I watched 'The Return of Optimus Prime' and I enjpyaed it. It was bobbins by all the rules of storytellyong yet pretty watchable. I especially liked it when Optimus beat the shit out of Rpdimus. Rodimus? I always hated him. He was a knob. A king sized knob. But not in sexual sense. That would be weird. I mean, just really. I never said that. I hate Rpdimkus. But he isn;t in this.
Page who kows: "DeceptisonmcS forver" OK, i get thepojnt. Shckers is doing some kind of crazy shit. But it's crap. I mean, I love Shockers. No, not like that. He is my favourite in the proper comics. What? I dunnmo/?
Page the next: hang on, some micro fools have taken off shocker;'s head! That's just going too far! I must complain to my mSP.
pAGE 9: I am enjoying this beer.
Page 10: I can't be arsed reading this anymore. I'm jyst going to look at the pictures. Shame they make me want to stick my head down the loo.
Page 11: So some blokes are whispering while Magnus and Fort max play the biscuit game or something. I bet they are. I've seen teh way they make eyes at each other. "I'm ready for the biscuit, Magnus!" cried Fortres Maximus, "I hope it's a digestive!"
Page 13: one day I will have sex again. And it will be bette r than this.
Page 15: See, look.Fort max and Magnus are totally into each other. I mean, golly.
Page 18: "Hasn't there been enough mindless destruction already?" No, not nearly enough. The statue of liberty still stands. Blow it up please. It isn;t in this comic for people with no gnads but it shoukld be. N, that's unfair. p[eople paid for this . They have mighty gnads.
Page near the end: Fort Max is pissing off to appear in a bettter comic twenty years in the past! Magnus looks very upset! He's gonna have to find a new bunk buddy now.
Page end: "The end?" no, sweet zombie polar bears no! It is the bloody end! Minutes of my life! Don't end it on a question mark!!!!! To the dungeons! The dungeons! ARRRRRRoooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
I want my life back.
-rALPH
|
|
|
|
Post by charlesrocketboy on Sept 27, 2008 0:12:35 GMT
That was the greatest Transformers related review ever.
|
|
|
|
Post by The Doctor on Sept 27, 2008 9:28:03 GMT
I'm glad my pain brought you joy.
-Ralph
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2008 9:58:15 GMT
I've come to the conclusion that the Dreamwave writers were on alcohol when they wrote this. And not just the kind of alcohol that fills the liquer department of Morrisons either but the pure alcohol that you only find in science labs!
|
|
|
|
Post by The Doctor on Sept 27, 2008 10:46:33 GMT
True.
It was so so bad. I was unprepared.
-Ralph
|
|
|
|
Post by KnightBeat on Sept 27, 2008 16:45:01 GMT
I liked The Return of Optimus Prime.
I didn't like this. It was like a TF version of Byker Grove.
|
|
|
|
Post by The Doctor on Sept 28, 2008 0:01:25 GMT
Micromasters has no redeeming features whatsoever. There are plenty of TF comics that have dodgy art or dodgy writing but never before or since have both been interwined so completely.
-Ralph
|
|
|
|
Post by Grand Moff Muffin on Sept 28, 2008 7:35:38 GMT
Yes, that's right./ I'd rather be on the toilet screaming in torment yet I'm doing this for all of you! I read thsi coic so that you don't have to! Whispers aside: How to break it gently to Ralph that we didn't have to in any case, and his reading it brought absolutely no benefit to mankind... Do you think he could take it? Martin |
|
|
|
Post by The Doctor on Sept 28, 2008 9:41:08 GMT
N-N-N-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
-Ralph
|
|
|
|
Post by legios on Sept 28, 2008 10:10:25 GMT
N-N-N-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!-Ralph Well, I guess that answers that question...... Karl |
|
Nigel
Fusilateral Quintro Combiner
Posts: 5,103
|
Post by Nigel on Sept 28, 2008 10:43:05 GMT
LOL!!!
The bizarre thing is, Ralph's review make's me want to read Micromasters again.
|
|
|
|
Post by The Doctor on Sept 28, 2008 11:09:07 GMT
DON'T DO IT!
-Ralph
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 28, 2008 16:14:22 GMT
I've got the issues and was considering reading them but after Ralph's review I am now having second thoughts.
|
|
|
|
Post by Grand Moff Muffin on Sept 28, 2008 16:36:17 GMT
I've never seen these comics, but Ralph's reviews have stirred my curiosity.
Martin
|
|
|
|
Post by The Doctor on Sept 28, 2008 16:41:57 GMT
NO! NO! NO!
What have I done???!!!
Step away from the comics, people! This is an intervention!
-Ralph
|
|
Nigel
Fusilateral Quintro Combiner
Posts: 5,103
|
Post by Nigel on Sept 28, 2008 16:48:27 GMT
I've got cravings despite not having succumbed for several years, Martin is now Mi-curious.... Ralph, as a trained counsellor, isn't this the sort of thing you're supposed to prevent?
|
|
|
|
Post by The Doctor on Sept 28, 2008 16:52:12 GMT
No! As a trained counsellor I am not there to take responsibility for you!
-Ralph
|
|
Nigel
Fusilateral Quintro Combiner
Posts: 5,103
|
Post by Nigel on Sept 28, 2008 17:42:58 GMT
I see. So, you put temptation in front of us, let us fall from grace and then come dive in to pick up the pieces. Well, I suppose that's one way of doing business.  I hope you haven't been spending the day eating cream cakes outside the window of a keep fit class. |
|
|
|
Post by Dark Stranger on Sept 28, 2008 18:29:59 GMT
That review made me laugh out loud man, brilliant!
|
|
|
|
Post by legios on Sept 28, 2008 19:07:33 GMT
*\Lee Van Cleef mode*
Reading Micromasters really ain't a good move. Seen folk try it. Never ends well.
*/Lee Van Cleef mode*
Karl
|
|
|
|
Post by The Doctor on Sept 28, 2008 21:28:11 GMT
It has been deleted from my computer but before I did so, I was tempted to e-mail it to Nigel but a small twinge of conscience prevented me from doing so. I am a hero.
-Ralph
|
|
|
|
Post by Andy Turnbull on Sept 28, 2008 23:19:59 GMT
Martin if you want I can send you digital copies of the offending pieces of shit er I mean comics.
Andy
|
|
|
|
Post by The Doctor on Sept 28, 2008 23:27:52 GMT
NO! Martin's bout of Mi-curiousness must not be fulfilled!
-Ralph
|
|
|
|
Post by grahamthomson on Sept 29, 2008 7:58:02 GMT
Ralph. Oh, Ralph.
|
|
Nigel
Fusilateral Quintro Combiner
Posts: 5,103
|
Post by Nigel on Sept 29, 2008 10:18:47 GMT
It has been deleted from my computer but before I did so, I was tempted to e-mail it to Nigel but a small twinge of conscience prevented me from doing so. I am a hero. -Ralph Thank you Ralph. However, I do actually own the comics. Including all variant covers. Rest assured, though, they are in one of the comic boxes in the cupboard and are far too much hassle to actually retrieve. It's a good thing I don't have a trade paperback, as that would be within easy reach. |
|
|
|
Post by The Doctor on Sept 29, 2008 10:33:21 GMT
Sell them! Sell them now! Resist the completist urge!
Micromasters was slated for a trade but Dreamwave folded before it could come out. Nor is it likely to be reprinted as they are some of the issues for which people were not paid for their work.
-Ralph
|
|
Nigel
Fusilateral Quintro Combiner
Posts: 5,103
|
Post by Nigel on Sept 29, 2008 11:35:24 GMT
Oh, would you like to buy them, Ralph? *
*They're not for sale.
|
|
