The Joke Thread

[Shockprowl]

Please post any jokes for the amusement of fellow Hubbers. I'm pants at remembering jokes, so though this was a good idea. Like everyone else, I'd wager, I'm bracing myself for Big G's contributions.


I saw 'My Life' by Bill Clinton in a shop the other day. Bit freaked out, didn't realise he knew anything about my life.

[Dark Stranger]

A vampire walks into a bar and asks the barman for a cup of boiling water.

Handing it over to him, the barman says "Hang on, don't you vampires usually drink blood?"

The Vampire pulls out a used tampon.
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"Yes, but I'm making tea."

[Hero]

I know this dude who broke his arm in two places...


If I were him I'd stay out of those places.

[Shockprowl]

Brilliant!

A Gizzley Bear walks into a bar. He goes up to the bar and says to the barman, "I'll have a pint of .......................... beer please." The barman replies "Certainly, but why the big pause?"

Think about it people! God I love that joke.

[Deleted]

A man walked into a pub and said to the barman 'I found this girl tied up on the railway tracks this morning so I untied her and gave her the best f**k ever.' The barman says 'that's fantastic. Did she give you a blow job as well?' The man then says 'no, I couldn't find the head!'

[Grand Moff Muffin]

This is so impressive! Three jokes and no smut! Hub, I'm proud of you. [Edit: Scratch that, Zudobug, you sick man.]

I thought I'd sing you a song by the Beatles. But then I thought, Why should I? They never sing any of mine...

Martin

[rurudyne]

One day while a man was visiting his great-grandmother and they were talking at length, he noticed she had a candy dish full of peanuts set out.

"That's my Nana!" he thought to himself, "She knows I love peanuts and so she put some out so I can have a few."

So as they conversed he would occasionally grab a peanut to munch on. But they were taking a long time and before he knew it he'd eaten the whole lot without even asking if she wanted one.

Nana must've seen the boy's expression of guilt, so she leaned forward to pat him on the hand.

"That's ok, Tommy!" she consoled, "I've already sucked the chocolate off of all of them anyway."






One day at a class reunion three ministers met up for the first time in years. They quickly fell into a heady discussion about their families and what they were doing. Before long the conversation had shifted to their wives cooking:

"Let me tell you," the conversation shifter started, "my Mabel can cook like no one else! She'll make a five star meal out of leftovers and an loaf of bread if she has too."

"I can tell by the girth." one minister joked as he prodded his friend's gut, "Of course my Helen is on a health food craze even since my angioplasty, but she still manages to make me not miss the old days of savory delights."

"That's great!" the third nodded, "As for my Louise, she's the best Old Testament chef this side of Ancient Judea."

His friends nodded a bit before the topic shifter asked: "And what exactly does that mean?"

"Well, it's been nothing but burnt offerings since the honeymoon!"






Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

"Your heart is just below your left breast." the doctor said, "Why do you ask?"

She hung up without answering.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

(my Mom told me that last one just earlier today)

[Shockprowl]

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are working on a building site atop a block of flats. At lunch time, the Englishman opens his lunch-box and says "cheese sandwiches, I'm sick of cheese sandwiches, if my wife makes me cheese tomorrow, I'm gunna jump off the roof! Hang it all!". The Scotsman opens his lunch-box and says "Ham, I'm bloody sick of ham Sandwiches! If I get ham tomorrow, I'm gunna jump wi ya, laddy!". The Irishman opens his lunch-box "Jam, jam sandwiches again! I'm so sick of jam! If I get jam sandwiches tomorrow I'm going to jump with you so I will!".

The next day, the Englishman opens his lunch-box to find cheese sandwiches, writes a quick note of explanation, and promptly jumps to his death. The Scotsman finds Ham in his sandwiches, writes his note, and follows. Finally, the Irishman opens his box and sees jam in his sandwiches, writes his note, and follows his friends.

At their funneral, the three wives gather around the graves, submerged in sorrow. The Englishman's wife says "If only he'd said! Why didn't he say anything about the sandwiches?!". The Scotsman's wife says "I thought he liked ham! I can't believe it!". The Irishman's wife says "I just don't understand, he's made his own sandwiches for years."

I thankyaw.

[Shockprowl]

Oh and Zudo, mega-eeeeew!

[Dark Stranger]

*sigh* Irish people use this forum too you know. And we're not all the stereotypically thick cunts you may think we are...

So shall I whack out a few racist jokes then?

[Andy Turnbull]

darkstranger said:

*sigh* Irish people use this forum too you know. And we're not all the stereotypically thick cunts you may think we are...

So shall I whack out a few racist jokes then?

I'm fairly certain there was no racist intent with the joke. Just the same as I am sure you aren't prejudiced when you laugh at jokes about fat people, or blondes. I didn't see you get on your high horse to protest the mockery of the elderly when a joke was made at their expense.

And having been on the Hub for long enough you should know that there's hardly ever been any incidents of intolerance (a certain former member not withstanding).

Andy

[Dark Stranger]

I know Ian didn't set out to offend, merely to amuse, it's just the stereotype that's annoying me. So are jokes about blacks, jews and the disabled fair game?

I didn't get on my high horse about the other jokes because I'm not elderly. Or a vampire.

About the "former member", when did he get banned? I missed that one.

[Andy Turnbull]

darkstranger said:

I know Ian didn't set out to offend, merely to amuse, it's just the stereotype that's annoying me. So are jokes about blacks, jews and the disabled fair game?

I didn't get on my high horse about the other jokes because I'm not elderly. Or a vampire.

About the "former member", when did he get banned? I missed that one.

If I said yes would it make you feel better about us having an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman joke? Now let's be honest does anyone actually believe that stereotype anymore, if they ever did (outside of professional comedians operating in the UK that is). Anymore than the people in Scotland are tight with money, wear kilts, play golf, drink a lot and are violent. On second thoughts scratch the drinking one - that seems to be pretty much on the nose!

The joke itself is amusing and confirming the title of English/Irish/Scots is just shorthand to distinguish between the three individuals. Rather than ascribing any type of racial stereotype. You could swap it round and it would be the same. Then of course someone else would complain.

So the elderly joke didn't offend you? I'd argue that it too is based on a stereotype. Does that mean that so long as the stereotype doesn't target you that it's acceptable?

The thing about most jokes is there is almost always a "victim", Irish, fat, blond, old, scottish, welsh, english, vampire the list goes on.

The motivation and the intent behind the joke are as important as the joke itself. A joke can be funny and racially insensitive how do you separate the two? I'm pretty sure almost everyone here has been told/or told a joke that fits that bill. What do you do in that situation?

I'm going to move this thread to Have Your Say, as it's an interesting discussion and worthy of continuation. I'll have to start another thread about

The former member didn't get banned, he left of his own accord but was heading for a ban anyway.

Andy

[Dark Stranger]

Fair points there Andy.

It's just quite pertinent to myself at the minute, being an Irish metaller, as Terroriser magazine opened up a ridiculous can of worms recently by printing a review of a movie that concentrated solely on how stupid the paddies were, resulting in an apology having to be printed next month.

You can't draw a line between funny and racially insensitive, that's the edge that makes the humour better.

[Deleted]

Some of the jokes I post may be a bit below the belt but I try to make sure that I don't put any jokes about Irishmen etc. on a forum because there may be people of that nationality that may be offended. I have got an Irishman joke but I ain't going to put it on for the above reason.

[Shockprowl]

admin said:

The joke itself is amusing and confirming the title of English/Irish/Scots is just shorthand to distinguish between the three individuals. Rather than ascribing any type of racial stereotype. Andy.

Precisely. I am actually part Irish, part Welsh and part Scotish. Not sure if that's relevant or not. Sorry you were bothered by it though, Dark Stranger.

[rurudyne]

I saw "joke thread" and posed jokes before realizing that the whole thing had been moved.

Is that a lame joke or what?

[Grand Moff Muffin]

Some people revel in their national stereotypes. I've always seen the word 'Irish' in the sense of being surreal or slightly skewed as being something to be proud of rather than try to stamp out. If my country always got the punchline, I think I'd revel in it. But then I worship Spike Milligan and all his works.

"I heeerd a crash," said Murphy. "I examined meself, and I knew it wasn't me."
"It was me," said Milligan. "I felled off me bi-cycle. Tank heaven the ground broke me fall."
"Oh yes, it's very handy like dat," said Murphy, settling his arms along the wall.
"Oh dear, dear!" said Milligan, getting to his feet. "I've scratched all the paint off the toe of me boot."
"Is dat right den, you paint yer boots?"
"True, it's the most economical way. Sometimes I paints 'em brown, when I had enough o' dat I paints 'em black again. Dat way people tink you got more than one pair, see? Once when I played the cricket I painted 'em white, you should try dat."
"Oh no," said Murphy solemnly. "Oh no, I don't like interfering wid nature. Der natural colour of boots is black as God ordained, any udder colour and a man is askin' fer trouble."
"Oh, and what may I ask is wrong wid brown boots?"
"How do I know? I've never had a pair."
"Take my tip, Murphy, you got to move wid der times man. The rich people in Dublin are all wearin' the brown boots; when scientists spend a lifetime inventin' a thing like the brown boots, we should take advantage of the fact."
"No, thank you," said Murphy's eyebrows, "I'll stick along wid the inventor of the black boots. After all they don't show the dirt."
"Dat's my argument, black don't show the dirt, brown ones don't show the mud and a good pair of green boots won't show the grass."
...

etc. etc.

- Puckoon, by Spike Milligan

Or can only someone who's Irish write something like that, or indeed Father Ted, just as only Indian comedians can perform Goodness Gracious Me?

Martin (bloke with Scottish surname, English accent, working for the Welsh Assembly Government in Cardiff)

[rurudyne]

There are two types of human tragedy when it comes to comedy:

People so sensitive to offense that they lack any sense of humor to the point of believing that comedy itself is a bad thing.

(you can find these in innumerable circumstances: I've encountered a wanna-be minister, social service workers, one atheist, and co-workers ... among others)

People so offensive (i.e. folks like hardcore racist) that they can't get a sarcastic joke made at their expense.