Worst Bio Ever?

[Stomski]

So I picked up RTS Windcharger today and read on the back:

"Windcharger isn't the fastest Autobot, but he does have the highest acceleration."

This doesn't seem to contribute anything to his character at all and are we really meant to believe that Windcharger can accelerate better than Blurr?

(edit: Although reading his original '84 bio it is in keeping "Windcharger is the fastest Autobot over short distances.")

Now, this is a multilingual card so it's possible they've cut the bio down to a single sentence, but still, that's pretty poor.

(edit: Yes, it seems the full bio reads "Windcharger isn't precisely the fastest Autobot on the ground, but he does have the highest acceleration. Heedless of any passengers he might be carrying, he goes from zero to 130 miles per hour in less than a second, and screeches to a stop almost as fast. His overloaded power plant generates a strong electromagnetic field, which he can direct into powerful blasts from the cannons in his arms.")

So this got me thinking - What is the worst bio that you've read on a toy box?

[bertie]

The worst Bios were the trilingual jobbers with the motto in three different languages. :-)

[Deleted]

G2 Laser Cycle Jazz (unreleased) has a truly terrible bio, with an even worse motto: "I'm ready to smash Decepticons like I jam on my guitar!".

[Grand Moff Muffin]

Martin

[Benn]

I do not like that Jazz "slashes his way through the city streets". Disgusting habit.

[grahamthomson]

Hot Rod being described as an "all-American-boy" on his Tech Specs (and being the star of The Transformers: The Movie) never sat well with me.

It's all very herrenvolk.

[Nigel]

I don't like the recent profiles that cross-sell other toys rather than say anything about the character. For example, I have Breacher at hand: "Breacher and Sea Spray crash out of the surf to surprise Crankshaft." (Whether the full versions are any better than the multilingual cut-downs, I don't know.)

On a related note, I found it such a shame when they stopped making any effort assigning functions for RID. Bruticus: Decepticon Dog. Railspike: Autobot Train. Hot Shot: Autobot Sportscar.

[blueshift]

Feb 3, 2011 10:35:48 GMT Nigel said:

I don't like the recent profiles that cross-sell other toys rather than say anything about the character. For example, I have Breacher at hand: "Breacher and Sea Spray crash out of the surf to surprise Crankshaft." (Whether the full versions are any better than the multilingual cut-downs, I don't know.)

On a related note, I found it such a shame when they stopped making any effort assigning functions for RID. Bruticus: Decepticon Dog. Railspike: Autobot Train. Hot Shot: Autobot Sportscar.

The RID bios are generally abominable.

I'm iffy on the cross-sells. Part of me doesn't like it for that reason, but another part likes that they're adding some life to the characters.

[Nigel]

"Mudflap is what humans call a spaz." - RPMs

[Kingoji]

Feb 3, 2011 10:51:57 GMT blueshift said:

Feb 3, 2011 10:35:48 GMT Nigel said:

I don't like the recent profiles that cross-sell other toys rather than say anything about the character. For example, I have Breacher at hand: "Breacher and Sea Spray crash out of the surf to surprise Crankshaft." (Whether the full versions are any better than the multilingual cut-downs, I don't know.)

On a related note, I found it such a shame when they stopped making any effort assigning functions for RID. Bruticus: Decepticon Dog. Railspike: Autobot Train. Hot Shot: Autobot Sportscar.

The RID bios are generally abominable.

I'm iffy on the cross-sells. Part of me doesn't like it for that reason, but another part likes that they're adding some life to the characters.

Not a fan of the cross-selling either, but at least with Breacher and Sea Spray there's a physical play-element connection. I don't see how replacing 'Crankshaft' with 'The Decepticons' would take anything away from the life of the description, though...

[Nigel]

"The only comfortable alteration for Mindset is a missile barrage on the Decepticons."

Bwah?

[Toph]

None of those are really what I would consider to be truely bad. Great, they are not. But not bad.
But then, my defenition of bad breaks down itno completely nonsencicle, or just outragously bland. For example, the bio for the recently released retool of DotM Sideswipe, Darksteel.

Darksteel is a traditionalist. As a student of the most respected Decepticon warrior on Cybertron, he learned there is no substitute for a razor-sharp blade and clever mind. Blasters and cannons get the job done, but may fail in the heat of battle.The blade never falters!

To me, this is extremely dull and boring, and really does absolutely nothing to set his personality. Now, Darksteel is an homage to Beast Wars Quickstrike... and say what you will about Quickstrike, that bot was full of personality. I could write a better bio than this in my sleep.

Feb 3, 2011 11:17:41 GMT Nigel said:

"Mudflap is what humans call a spaz." - RPMs

One thing I need to point out about that, is that was written by americans, for americans. And "Spaz" is not an insult, or even remotely inappropriate here. To call someone a spaz, you're saying they're either clutzy, or highstrung (Works for both). So there's absolutely nothing offensive intended. It was also written before the PCC incident that showed us you guys have some weeeeird cuss words. (Just giving you a hard time)

[The Doctor]

I fully understand the different meaning for it in the States. It's really offensive in the UK, however, so a toy couldn't really be sold here with that word.

-Ralph

[Nigel]

"Wheeljack enjoys bringing pain to the Decepticons." (Prime.)

I don't think that's in the Autobot Code.

[dyrl]

The original Transformers bios (the ones which feature in the four part Transformers Universe, and are scaled down on the toys) were all written by Bob Budiansky.

Once Budiansky stopped writing the bios - they started to suck because somebody from marketing clearly took up the job.

Pete

[shadowynne]

Jun 20, 2012 16:17:47 GMT Nigel said:

"Wheeljack enjoys bringing pain to the Decepticons." (Prime.)

I don't think that's in the Autobot Code.

dude, the autobot code has been dead since bayverse. bloodythirsty merciless murderbot prime and deathmachine apocalypse world destroyer bumblebee saw to that. i dont get how the new autobots get to be more decepticon than the decepticons. i mean have you seen the new super arms micron prime? do any of the cons have such armaments? nope. autobots, the new warmongers...

[glaug]

Jun 21, 2012 21:38:09 GMT shadowynne said:

do any of the cons have such armaments? nope. autobots, the new warmongers...

RAKSHA WAS RIGHT?!

[Nigel]

The Autobot Code is dead? Don't tell James Roberts' Ultra Magnus.

[legios]

Jun 21, 2012 22:43:14 GMT glaug said:

RAKSHA WAS RIGHT?!

Oh, the Movie-verse Autobots are definitely the oppressive "shoot-first-bury-the-bits-to-avoid-questions" group Raksha felt the Sunbow-Bots were. Not so sure how comfortable she would be with the number of Movie-verse Decepticons who are loveable bumbling incompetents mind you...

Karl

[Grand Moff Muffin]

Jun 22, 2012 16:28:27 GMT legios said:

Oh, the Movie-verse Autobots are definitely the oppressive "shoot-first-bury-the-bits-to-avoid-questions" group Raksha felt the Sunbow-Bots were.

I always feel compelled to play devil's advocate when I hear the live-action movie Autobots condemned for their ruthlessness.

I mean, I struggle to think of a single instance in the Sunbow and present-day pre-G2 Marvel stories where a Decepticon directly killed a human civilian. They killed some soldiers and military pilots and such-like, but they were generally very sparing of civilians.

In the movie universe, the Decepticons kill humans almost every time they move. Most of the Decepticons killed in 'cold blood' by Optimus, it seems to me, were killing humans right, left and centre almost up until the moment Prime put them down. From the perspective of an Autobot who values each human life the same as a Transformer life, ending those kind of threats does not seem that disproportionate. It's also not clear that they have the opportunity or facilities to safely incarcerate them in the situations presented in these films. Freezing Megatron and sending him to the bottom of the sea only proved temporary setbacks in his human-killing career.

So... as a member of the species that is being invaded, and which doesn't want my planet Allsparked or supernovaed or enslaved to rebuild Cybertron... I don't really mind our very, very few robot allies putting down the bad guys permanently when they have the chance.

In the Sunbow or pre-G2 Marvel universes, where the Deceps aren't so scary, I might feel differently.

Edit: Having said all that, moving from such dialogue as "You left me no choice, brother," in the first film through "Any last words?" and "Give me your face!" in the second to "We will kill them all!" and "You die!" in the third does Prime no favours.

Martin

[glaug]

"Give Me Your Face!" is the point at which lots of people gave up on Movie Prime, I suspect.

[Toph]

When people talk about how ruthless the movie autobots are, I think they're referring more to things like Optimus screaming "GIVE ME YOUR FACE," "YOU DIE," and such, as well as Optimus exicuting that big excavator thing in china in the opening of RotF without even giving him the choice of defecting.
"Please brother, the war is over. Megatron is dead. Join us, work with us. This fighting solves nothing."
"the fallen blah blah blah whatever he says"
"Then you leave me no choice." Then Op executes, or has ironhide do it.

I think that would acknowledge the brutality of war in a way that's much more realistic than the old cartoon, while keeping Optimus and the autobots more true to character.

[Grand Moff Muffin]

Jun 24, 2012 15:08:14 GMT Toph said:

When people talk about how ruthless the movie autobots are, I think they're referring more to things like Optimus screaming "GIVE ME YOUR FACE," "YOU DIE," and such, as well as Optimus exicuting that big excavator thing in china in the opening of RotF without even giving him the choice of defecting.
"Please brother, the war is over. Megatron is dead. Join us, work with us. This fighting solves nothing."
"the fallen blah blah blah whatever he says"
"Then you leave me no choice." Then Op executes, or has ironhide do it.

I think that would acknowledge the brutality of war in a way that's much more realistic than the old cartoon, while keeping Optimus and the autobots more true to character.

Agreed. But then again, I would say the big excavator thing killed about a hundred humans in the five minutes prior to Optimus executing him, most of them civilians, and Optimus likes humans. Yes, it was an execution, but no, it wasn't in cold blood, it was in very, very warm blood. Similarly, "Give me your face" was a minute after Prime only just destroyed the sun-destroying device in time to save the Earth. And killing Megatron and Sentinel in the third film was just after the Space Bridge had so, so nearly brought Cybertron to Earth.

Defection wasn't really an option anyway. Chinese/Egyptian/US law would have demanded the death penalty in due course if Autobot law didn't.

The super-noble true Optimus Prime of the 1980s (the one who blew himself up in 'Afterdeath' on a point of principle) would have been able to rise above all those considerations and spare his enemies even in those circumstances, I agree, and I myself am morally opposed to the death penalty, but any normal person including me if actually put in that position... nah. Too risky - and too much very, very recent civilian blood on the hands of those concerned.

The dialogue is bad, but the actions are not those of a monster.

Martin

[blueshift]

Big digger guy wasn't doing anything wrong though before Optimus Prime and his goonsquad came up to him with guns going "you're gonna die now." Sure people died, but only collatoral damage as the Decepticons were running away.

Even as a general rule of warfare though, there's a due process. There's military protocol. If the enemy is injured and defenseless in front of you and no longer a threat, then they are a POW. You don't shoot them in the head. Like Prime does in TF2. And then in TF3.

Frankly if they'd captured Demolishor instead of just executing him then they could have saved a lot of bother and got some information out of him, saving more lives even!

I don't mind so much the 'give me your face!' bit insofar as yes, the Fallen was a big threat and Prime has to fight the baddy to stop him. But he declares he wants to rip off the Fallen's face, then fights him and tears off his face with hooks. That's... the sort of thing villains do, right? "I'm going to stop you destroying Earth!" - fine. "I'm going to tear off your face" - uuuuuh.

War is hell, sure. But it's usually the villain that go the extra mile and do all the torture/mutilation and execution of prisoners. Not the good guys. Because they're the good guys.

You get the feeling that Michael Bay thinks such things are perfectly acceptable as long as you're 'in the right'. As such the films are pretty much a celebration of George W Bush's militarism.

[The Doctor]

I can never get behind supposedly heroic characters in any medium who choose to kill rather than look for another way. Hence why I like, for instance, Batman in 'The Dark Knight' film so much as the plot revolves around a hero who will not kill even when provoked.

-Ralph

[Grand Moff Muffin]

Jun 24, 2012 17:10:34 GMT The Doctor said:

I can never get behind supposedly heroic characters in any medium who choose to kill rather than look for another way. Hence why I like, for instance, Batman in 'The Dark Knight' film so much as the plot revolves around a hero who will not kill even when provoked.

Oh, yes, it's more interesting and admirable - and how Optimus Prime and Batman should be portrayed. But I don't know if any great heroic warrior has ever existed in the real world who could witness atrocities and great evil, and yet after fighting furiously and only just averting global disaster and their own death, with the adrenaline pumping would not take the opportunity to end the danger the one sure way. It would be a better world if there were such heroes, even if their granting of mercy sometimes led to further civilian deaths - as does happen with Batman in The Dark Knight. But if there are, they are few - which is why I argue that while movie Prime isn't Optimus Prime as he should be, ignoring the dialogue he isn't a monster either - and the universe, certainly the Earth, is better off with him than without him. And in the real world the only great people who I know of who do no wrong are pacifists.

Martin

[legios]

I'm not sure that I want Optimus Prime to be like a real person. I think I am more comfortable with him being better than us. One of the things about fiction is that you can have moral exemplars with the courage and self-discipline to espouse and stand firm to a code of ideals even in the most difficult circumstances.

Movie Prime takes too much pleasure in his violence for my tastes, at least that is the feeling that his dialogue and the delivery gives me. (Also, it is a good job that the Autobots aren't actually members of N.E.S.T., because if they were then Prime, as someone bound by the Uniform Code of Justice would be facing charges of violating the law of war over his murder of a prisoner in ROFD without even a semblance of due process. I'm not saying that creative interpretations of the rules don't happen ("unsurrendering" Iraqi Army POWs during Iraqi Freedom to avoid having to take Geneva code responsibilities for them for example) but that is a long way from casually killing prisoners who are in your custody.)

I understand what you are saying Martin, and I can appreciate your point, but for me the Movie-verse has increasingly leaned in the direction of the Jack Bauer-ish "Hard robot making hard decisions" tone and that isn't really something that sits well with me. (Unless they were prepared to actually engage with that idea as an actual story element, rather than an excuse for kewl violence. But that isn't really the tack that they are taking).

(Also, the toy-bios for some of the extra Movie-line toys felt noticeable for the way that a lot of the Decepticons were written up as guys who were trying to be evil but weren't very good at it, whilst a lot of the Autobots were defined solely by being hardcore at hunting and destroying Decepticons. I don't think it was the intent but it created the impression of teams of ruthless Autobot killers tracking down and eliminating barely competent Z-list Decepticons whose actual level of threat was uncertain to say the least. As I say, it was primarily an unfortunate unintentional impression that developed.)

Karl

[Grand Moff Muffin]

Jun 24, 2012 20:11:54 GMT legios said:

I'm not sure that I want Optimus Prime to be like a real person.

I'm sure I don't!

Martin

[Toph]

Jun 24, 2012 20:11:54 GMT legios said:

(Also, the toy-bios for some of the extra Movie-line toys felt noticeable for the way that a lot of the Decepticons were written up as guys who were trying to be evil but weren't very good at it, whilst a lot of the Autobots were defined solely by being hardcore at hunting and destroying Decepticons. I don't think it was the intent but it created the impression of teams of ruthless Autobot killers tracking down and eliminating barely competent Z-list Decepticons whose actual level of threat was uncertain to say the least. As I say, it was primarily an unfortunate unintentional impression that developed.)

Karl

Yeah, really! How much trouble could a little WWI Biplane actually cause? RotF Ransack is a decepticon that even civilian law inforcements could handle.

[legios]

Jun 25, 2012 17:26:53 GMT Toph said:

Yeah, really! How much trouble could a little WWI Biplane actually cause? RotF Ransack is a decepticon that even civilian law inforcements could handle.

I'm not sure the British police would be well-placed to deal with him without calling in a firearms unit mind you. A baton, pepper-spray and a pair of handcuffs might not go far against an armed aircraft.... :-)

Karl