2016 Films League Table!

[Fortmax2020]

But in this century Blueshift is still in the Delta Quadrant.

[The Doctor]

*snaps fingers*

This is the wrong chapter!

-Ralph

[legios]

1. Eye in the Sky
2. 13 Hours:The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi
3. Bastille Day
4. Star Trek Beyond: Well, it's only taken this regime three films to find a way to make something feel like Star Trek and also work as a cinema film. That's not bad going. Heck, it took Mission Impossible four! Much better than I expected, and also significantly better than the last two. Chris Pine finally gets something meaningful to do other than run quickly, Quinto actually gets to contribute properly to the actual themes of the film. It even manages to do the "surrogate family" note without making me want to throw things - mostly by showing, instead of telling most of the time. (And Karl Urban is absolutely fantastic as ever). If we're going to keep dipping back into the Kelvin Timeline every year or so then more of this sort of thing please, rather than the other.
5. Captain America: Civil War (/Avengers 2.5)
6. Now you see me 2: The fact that we live in a universe where this can't be called "And now you don't" saddens me. No, that's not a comment on the film - which is passable stuff, but trying a little bit too hard. It telegraphs slightly more than the previous film did but still thinks that the audience hasn't put most of it together. Also it relies on some absolute nonsense pseudopsychobabble in a couple of places which really annoyed me. But, it has a great, over-the-top sleight of hand sequence part way through which is both entertaining and ludicrous at the same moment, and manages to be the films true crowning moment.Also, Daniel Radcliffe has enormous fun.
7. X-Men: Apocalypse:
8. Jem and the Holograms
9. London has Fallen
10. Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice

Karl

[legios]

Jul 31, 2016 16:31:56 GMT legios said:

1. Eye in the Sky
2. 13 Hours:The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi
3. Bastille Day
4. Star Trek Beyond
5. Captain America: Civil War
6. Now you see me 2
7. Jason Bourne: It's...ok... It suffers from being a film very much of two halves. There is a film about skullduggery between the CIA and a "social media" company on the one hand, and a film with Jason Bourne in it on the other. The two films sort of co-exist in a sort of mexican stand-off and never really actually properly engage with each other. The Jason Bourne bits are ok in a kind of "greatest hits" package kind of way. You get a lot of "this is the "X" bit then there will be the "y" bit" kind of feeling from it. It's competent enough and generally entertaining. The stand-out thing, as others have observed is a definitely unromantic approach to violence. The whole presentation of the fights is short, sharp, scrappy and brutal. There isn't a great deal of it that looks heroic or "clever". I winced numerous times watching it. People do need to stop pretending that information-gathering and communications intelligence is exciting and cinematic though. It is an important and powerful tool. But there is no way to make a scene of people typing whilst urgent music plays look anything other than ridiculous.
8. X-Men: Apocalypse
9. Jem and the Holograms
10. London has Fallen
11. Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice

Karl

[The Doctor]

(film) 'Ghostbusters' (2016): The very definition of mediocre. Nowhere near as bad as it could have been, not as good as it should have been. Perfectly passable though.
*traps ghosts*
In other news, I must warn you against eating too many Ghostbusters Key Slime Lime Twinkies in a short space of time. Don't do it! It seems like a good idea at the time, but sadness and despair upon the throne of agony will lie in your future. However, the Slimer jelly sweets are quite nice.
*fires proton gun at spectral nuisance chap*

(cinema live stream) 'Kenneth Branagh Theatre Live: Romeo and Juliet': Rather disappointing. The decision to broadcast a live theatre show in black and white (!) when the folk there are seeing it in colour was just annoying. Not helped by an unusually duff turn from Jacobi, who turned Mercutio into Captain Camp for reasons known only to himself.
Bad Sir Ken! Bad!
Thankfully, I had some mints about my person.

(Film) 'The Legend of Tarzan': In years to come, crack teams of special scientists will be deployed to figure out how it was possible to make the story of Tarzan dull. This should be impossible!
In the meantime, a sausage supper awaits which I hope will restore joy to my soul.

(film) 'The BFG' (2016): Surprisingly straightforward and faithful adaptation of the book. If it didn't quite work for me I think that's down to me not being 8 anymore rather than a fault with the film itself. Naturally, the fart scene was most amusing. A good turn from Mark Rylance.

(Film) 'Star Trek Beyond': Sure it's in the wrong timeline and Idris Elba is unusually awful but I enjoyed it. Felt far more like actual Star Trek than the films have since Insurrection. Pleasantly surprised!

(Film) 'Jason Bourne': Having run out of dynamic words to put after his name, Bourne is back! This time he must survive Deadly Flashbacks so powerful they steal most of his dialogue as Evil CIA People type furiously at computers and stare madly at screens just like they're in the 90's, except when they shout things like: "ISOLATE ALL SOCIAL MEDIA IN THAT SQUARE!" to show they are all modern and hip.
Can Jason survive...The Infinite Car Chase? Can Jason's expression shift from...Fart In A Trance? Can Jason beat up...Many Men? The answers may have you pondering what is for dinner!
Also featuring Tommy Lee Jones as a passing mountain range.

-Ralph

[Grand Moff Muffin]

1. Bridge of Spies
2. Alice Through the Looking Glass (IMAX 3D)
3. Captain America: Civil War
4. Star Trek: Beyond
5. Gods of Egypt (IMAX 3D)
6. Bastille Day
7. The Assassin
8. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
9. X-Men: Apocalypse
10. Suicide Squad (an interesting departure from the usual formula, if nothing else)
11. Our Kind of Traitor
12. The 5th Wave
13. Deadpool
14. London Has Fallen
15. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

Martin

[The Doctor]

(Film): 'Finding Dory': Mid-level Pixar but their mid-level is better than most other animation studio's top-tier so it is just fine. The action is dominated by Hank the Octopus though. He is such a better character than anyone else in it that the film is a bit unbalanced by his greatness. He must return. I demand my exciting movie series built around Hank the Octopus and his ongoing efforts to make it to Cleveland. He must use his amazing Octopus powers to disguise himself as many things. Many many things.
I had some peach lemonade flavour Tic-Tacs while watching. They were odd.

-Ralph

[legios]

1. Eye in the Sky
2. 13 Hours:The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi
3. Bastille Day
4. Star Trek Beyond
5. Captain America: Civil War
6. Now you see me 2
7. Nerve - Surprisingly less awful than I was expecting. A story aimed at teenagers not set in a brown dystopia or populated by vampires that look like Department-store models? Unexpected. It actually manages to make some part-formed attempts at having something to say about the social-media soaked, instant-celebrity culture that the last couple of generations of teenagers have grown up in. Not...hugely coherently, but the attempt is laudable. The cast are fairly competent, and some of them have reasonable on-screen chemistry between them. Less awful than I expected.
8. Jason Bourne:
9. X-Men: Apocalypse
10. Jem and the Holograms
11. London has Fallen
12. Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice

Karl

[The Doctor]

(Film) 'Nerve': following the recent trend of Deadly Social Media films such as 'Unfriended' (clever take on how being glued to digital devices is not healthy) and 'Friend Request' (some pish about killer goth mirrors using evil computer code) comes this effort (idiot teenagers use App Of Doom to play hip new version of Truth Or Dare).
There's a great idea in here and some fun poppy performances but it keeps veering away from playing with interesting notions towards nonsense about The Dark Web and Hackers Typing Intensely. Hum ho!
*taps at phone madly*

(Film) 'The Shallows': A surfer is trapped 200 yards off of a beach. Between her and dry land is a fiendish shark who is not terribly friendly. She must use her wits to survive! Tight economical thriller with not an ounce of fat. Also features a fine supporting performance from a seagull, which is surely a first.
*paddles furiously*

-Ralph

[legios]

Aug 13, 2016 23:26:09 GMT The Doctor said:

There's a great idea in here and some fun poppy performances but it keeps veering away from playing with interesting notions towards nonsense about The Dark Web and Hackers Typing Intensely. Hum ho!
*taps at phone madly*

Actually all the Dark Web stuff is, as best I am aware - and my knowledge is very, very, very superficial I hasten to add - not too far from the truth in broad strokes. (Although they don't really go into the implications of what young so-and-so's friend is into - at best she is making some money enabling people sending 419 and fake viagra spam, the implications only deteriorate from their). The hacking...yeah, that was pure Hollywood nonsense and falls into my "stop trying to make hacking look urgent and cinematic, it just makes you look daft" category hacking, like many things in life is 90% boredom and persistence, 5% "people are dumb" and 5% clever code.

Still, compared to a lot of the other "Young Adult" films I've seen it wasn't too bad - certainly thumped the daylights out of Mockingjay or Maze Runner.

Speaking of horror/suspense films though, I was amused that the trailer reel in front of Nerve was almost entirely jump-scare movies. Apparently the "take your date to a scary film so they might jump and grab at you" is still a thing in the target demographic then. They do say that the classics never go out of fashion.

Karl

[The Doctor]

'Asterix: The Mansions of The Gods' - 86 minutes of my life gone forever! I may have lapsed into a coma. I may still be in it. Who can tell. Hello? Hello?

'Lights Out': Tormented by terrible dialogue a young woman must fight a Snarling Creature Thing With Bad Hair! In the light...she's safe! In the dark...it can still be easily found due to the bloody racket it makes!
Also starring a Strangely Large Flashlight and two inept police officers.
Bang! Bang! Aaaaaarrrrrggghhh!
Equally ludicrous is eating a whole packet of Quorn bacon beforehand.
*lights off*

'Pete's Dragon' (2016): Every second in this particular production screams: "FEEL THE MAGIC! FEEL IT, YOU COLD DEAD HEART PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE! FEEL THE MAGIC! LOOK! EVERYONE IS CRYING! EVEN ROBERT REDFORD IS OVERCOME WITH EMOTION! BEHOLD HIS QUIVERING LIP AND WATERY EYES! WARM YOUR HEART I TELL YOU!"
Then I had not one but two splendid fried cheese toasties. Healthy? Probably not but they warmed my cold dead heart.

-Ralph

[The Doctor]

'Mechanic: Resurrection': Alas, this is not a soul searing insight into the world of mechanics today and how this is a vital job underpinning society today. Nay. This toshfest instead involves Jessica Alba (who despite being ex-Special Forces) is kidnapped very easily by an Evil Bad Man and cannot escape! Thus Jason The Statham must rescue her (while struggling to keep his shirt on) but not before the Evil Bad Man must make him kill three other Evil Bad Men.
This makes no sense but The Statham soulfully stares into sunsets while carrying out the villain's overly elaborate masterplan of fiendish nonsense anyway. What a guy.
A Prison Island Of Death! A Submarine Base Of Doom! Mad Cannibal Warlord Man! Tommy Lee Jones' unconvincing facial hair!
Sadly the audience is teased with the possibility of The Statham fighting sharks but this does not happen. What a swizz.
*throws cheese bagel at screen*

'Ben-Hur' (2016) - "All I have left is hate," mumbled the title character at one point with all the passion of a wet fart in a blanket. 'All I have left are a few tasty ready salted crisps', I thought by way of reply due to being completely unenthralled by the Dull Surprise on screen.
"Agh! I kill you!" shouted some random chariot racer later on with all the verve of a geriatric goldfish. 'Agh! Please do', I thought back as I realised with dismay that I had run out of fine chocolate cake.
*rides chariot into a better film*

-Ralph

[Pinwig]

Ready salted crisps and chocolate cake? A connoisseur's confectionary combination, sir.

<Nods in admiration>

[The Doctor]

I had suspected it might not be a winner so I went in prepared.

-Ralph

[Pinwig]

Not sure about the cheese bagel though.

I'm always miles behind with film watching. I watched The Man from Uncle last week, or is it 'men' now. That seemed a reasonably witty and suitably 60s styled update on the original. I quite like Guy Ritchie I think. This week I think it's that recent Simon Pegg comedy. Absolutely something, or something absolutely. Absolutely anyway.

[The Doctor]

I thought TMFU was an utter mess, completely fell apart in the last act, adhered to the mad 90's idea of 'it doesn't become the thing you've paid to see a new version of until the last minute', Hugh Grant is wasted and the decades in development hell were clear to see...and yet I still enjoyed it. Even Henry 'you are not Superman, pal' Cavill was very watchable. It has a certain sense of shambolic fun about it that I quite took to.

-Ralph

[Pinwig]

I just watched April and the Extraordinary World - what a marvellous animated film! The art for the steampunk 1940s setting is highly reminiscent of D'Israeli, and the story is just like Ian Edginton's stuff. It's like one of their comics coming to life on your tv. 

[legios]

Steampunk alt-France... Why haven't I heard of this film before?! Might need to hunt it down for the rental list I think.

Karl

[The Doctor]

Hmmm. 'War Dogs' was ok but didn't quite work.

-Ralph

[Pinwig]

I watched Bridge of Spies yesterday. That was good.

[The Doctor]

'Anthropoid' is very very grim.

-Ralph

[Benn]

Can add 'Kubo And The 2 Strings' and 'Labyrinth' to my cinematic outings this year. 'Akira' to come on Wednesday. 50/50 split old and new.

[The Doctor]

CANADAAAAAAAA!!!!

-Ralph

[legios]

KANEEEEEEDAAAAAAA!

*screeches to a halt in a way which is doing his bike's tires no good at all*

Karl

[Grand Moff Muffin]

1. Bridge of Spies
2. The Magnificent Seven (respectful re-make of the much-loved classic)
3. Alice Through the Looking Glass (IMAX 3D)
4. Captain America: Civil War
5. Star Trek: Beyond
6. Gods of Egypt (IMAX 3D)
7. Bastille Day
8. The Assassin
9. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
10. X-Men: Apocalypse
11. Suicide Squad
12. Our Kind of Traitor
13. The 5th Wave
14. Deadpool
15. London Has Fallen
16. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

Martin

[duffism1981]

I am late tho the party, but i watched Jem and the Holograms last night. It didn't feel anything like a Jem movie should, and just a generic shy teen becomes famous for singing movie script that they quickly changed to include the Jem characters and references. I didn't hate the move, I just found it bland. The opening lines to the intro song were "Jem is excitement, Jem is adventure". This movie lacked those elements.

Sadly the best part was the mid credit scene for a sequel that will never happen. The Misfit should have been in this from the start. Oh well. A great example of how not to do an Eighties property into a live action film.

[The Doctor]

Magnificent Seven 2016 was ok. Just like the director's previous films it's nuts and bolts multiplex fodder with zero flair or imagination that does the job when it's on but quickly fades from the memory within seconds of it finishing. Huge point off for the anaemic orchestration of the classic theme tune though. Watched it on IMAX and it still felt very TV movie-ish. Chriss Spratt appears to have forgotten how to act also.

In spite of the many many many problems the film has it was still pretty watchable (Ralph likes Westerns). The body count was amazing. Denzel is always a fine screen presence.

-Ralph

[The Doctor]

Blair Witch was pish though surprisingly by quite some distance the least bad of the 3 films so far. Once again I am astounded how characters in 'found footage' films somehow have cameras that record dynamic cinema quality surround sound! It always takes me out of the conceit.

-Ralph

[legios]

Sept 25, 2016 16:56:33 GMT duffism1981 said:

I am late tho the party, but i watched Jem and the Holograms last night. It didn't feel anything like a Jem movie should, and just a generic shy teen becomes famous for singing movie script that they quickly changed to include the Jem characters and references. I didn't hate the move, I just found it bland. The opening lines to the intro song were "Jem is excitement, Jem is adventure". This movie lacked those elements.

Sadly the best part was the mid credit scene for a sequel that will never happen. The Misfit should have been in this from the start. Oh well. A great example of how not to do an Eighties property into a live action film.

Whereas I thought that the best part was the "caper movie" sequence in the third act with Jem and the manager sneaking into the company headquarters to break into the safe. I reckon more of the film should have been like that - with Jerrica and the band pulling off a series of mini-capers to get them out from under the thumb of the evil record exec, whilst fitting this around public appearances and recording sessions. That would have satisfied the studios "we need an origin story" tic, and given it a chance to show a bit more verve.

Karl

[Fortmax2020]

We can only hope a sequel takes this route.