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Post by Andy Turnbull on Feb 25, 2013 15:53:07 GMT
Transformers: Armada Episode 7 - Carnival
Carnival starts with some footage of a Carnival and we have a barely animated exchange between Carlos, Rad, Highwire and Alexis as they try and get to the dormant Minicon to be active. Alexis, still an absolutely smug and unlikeable character. You all clean up and I will fuck off.
Meanwhile Red Alert is hard at work repairing the base, as everyone else stands around, even Optimus Prime. More Hot-Spot twattery.
Back at the Decepticon base, and the Decepticons are doing similar, and this episode it's Demolishor who is now the victim of the playground bullying of the Decepticons due to his clumsiness and he manages to damage the base. Megatron tells him to GTF. Starscream and Cyclonus laugh. Yeesh.
Alexis and Grindor are examining data, while Rad and co decide to head to the Carnival.
The Minicons get to tool about in Robot mode as the Carnival is at the Research Centre. Cue much having fun....
Billy and Fred spot Rad and Carlos with the Minicons, Fred says they can't be robots from the Research Centre as his dad would know. They spot two of the Minicons transforming and tumble that they are aliens.
Some small kids want the Minicons to play longer, but Carlos and Rad say they have to go home, when Billy and Fred make a rather pathetic attempt to capture then. It's a rather derogatory portrayal of Fred, as the overweight, always needing food picked on kid. Oh look we get a caper where there are attempts to catch the Minicons.
Hot Shot and Alexis show up, cue lecture from the least tolerable character in the show.
Billy and Fred corner Jolt against a wall, you know, the Minicon who can transform into a helicopter. Two of the wee kids try and stop them before being scared off. Thankfully Hot Shot appears to scare the urine out of Fred and Billy. They cling to Jolt who transforms into a helicopter and takes them for a ride. They end up trapped on the top of a hot air balloon. Hot Shot using an air cannon from the amusement park ride deflates the balloon and then rescues both Fred and Billy.
Wow, a lot of bullying and dickery from Jolt and Hot Shot, they work together well.
Fred and Billy are sworn to secrecy by the implied threat of retribution from Hot Shot.
Do the writers of this show have any idea of tone/consistency. You have shown your heroes to be cruel and petty, just as bad as your villains.
FFS - Alexis bossing the other two around. She is an abhorrent character, and if I were Carlos and Rad she'd be told to GTF very quickly. Much later - Carlos and Rad see the MInicon that was dormant come to life, and it shows one character image and then three, and then some strange sword type affair. (Obviously I know what it is, but in the context of the episode that's all you get).
I remember when I watched this back in the day, that this was the episode that broke me and stopped me watching it at the time, and it wasn't till later I picked it up again.
It's come close to doing it again.
Thank god I took a day off yesterday.
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Post by Andy Turnbull on Feb 28, 2013 23:46:00 GMT
Transformers Armada Episode 08 - Palace
Rad narrating at the start talking about a tribeswoman who found a strange metal object centuries ago. Turns out it's a Minicon. How he knows this I have no idea, nor do I care.
Cut to the desert and we see Demolishor and his Minicon taking potshots at Cyclonus, they are looking for a Minicon and not doing well in finding it. More childish nonsense between the two. All of a sudden Demolishor starts to sink in the sand.
The Minicon alarm kicks off and the humans and Autobots head off to the site, in the background is playing what sounds like an abortive attempt at some theme music for the show. It helps to put that at the start guys along with a decent animated montage showing what you cartoon is about.
Turns out Hot Shot in vehicle mode is not getting anywhere in the sand. He has to be told by Carlos to transform into robot mode to move about. Optimus chides Hot Shot and points out that the humans know more than them and they should listen. However, it would appear that Demolishor has a clear line of sight. As is the case with this and most cartoons he misses.
Red Alert couldn't detect a Decepticon when he searched, although Hot Shot guessed it was Demolishor. He has them pinned down, but the humans and Minicons have an idea and are moving into position when Demolishor is dragged down by the sand. Carlos falls in, but High Wire saves him, while Demolishor is struggling against the sand to no avail.
Back at Decepticon H.Q. Starscream tells Megatron that Demolishor has relayed an SOS. His reaction is "WHAT?", I assume he's been watching WWE of that era and Stone Cold Steve Austin's heel turn.
The kids and the Minicons get dragged down, but Rad tells Laserbeak to get help. Meanwhile, Red Alert and by extension the rest of the Autobots suddenly remember the human's they've endangered and head off in pursuit. Hot Shot finds Laserbeark in the sand, who is either offline or dead.
Down underground, High Wire comes online and in that grand tradition everyone else wakes up. Carlos believes they are inside some kind of pyramid.
Up top and now Cyclonus is strafing (unsuccessfully) the Autobots as Megatron and Starscream teleport down.
Recap narration from Rad, talking bollocks about how big the Sahara was as the Minicon is revealed to be somewhere in the Sahara. Just how shit is the Autobot and Decepticon equipment.
The kids are wandering around trying to find their way out, more unpleasantness from Alexis, she is actually a bit of a bully in this. They stop as they see the Minicon symbol in the pyramid atop a doorway. More tedious bollocks talked.
Uptop a very poor fight scene as Megatron demands to know what the Autobots have done with Demolishor.
Lots of glowy red eyes appear in the air and scare the kids. Elsewhere Demolishor recovers and bursts through a wall. The red eyes appear to be attached to ancient spider-bots. Before they can kill the humans and minicons, Demolishor bursts through and intervenes. The kids flee, as Demolishor takes them out.
Autobots and Decepticons fight with that theme music playing again.
Rad narrating so we don't have to see them explore, and they are standing before a throne which has the Minicon panel in it, surrounded by energy. This makes it special to them, as opposed to everything else they've seen. Carlos steps forward and triggers some trap, but before we see it. We cut to Demolishor taking care of the last of the spider bots.
The trap turns out to be a rock falling down, which draws Demolishor in, but before he can claim it the floor starts to break up. Demolishor outruns it, so the statues starts shooting energy beams at him. More rocks are falling down and Rad and Carlos inexplicably don't move so the Minicons have to combine and save them.
Demolishor meanwhile gets the Minicon as the entire structure now falls apart. He escapes with the Minicon and triggers it as Hot Shot jumps into the sand to find the kids leaving Prime and Red Alert outgunned. Rather than press the advantage of four on two Megatron retreats as Red Alert remarks they forgot the kids. Thankfully Hot Shot didn't. He has rescued the kids, and Rad gives more insipid narration telling us the Autobots always look out for them.
Back in the Decepticon H.Q Megatron is demanding that Demolishor hands over his Minicon, and that he disobeyed orders. Demolishor doesn't want to and says it's not fair. Megatron says he will show him what's not fair and we end.
I am struggling to try and work out why nobody thought at any point to actually tell a coherent story, and the fact that we have dialogue and narration that is quite against what happens in the story at times.
This has to be the worst iteration of Transformers I've seen in a long while and I'm not even into double digits.
Help me!
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Post by The Doctor on Mar 1, 2013 9:02:53 GMT
I am enjoying the descent into despair.
-Ralph
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Post by Andy Turnbull on Mar 2, 2013 0:00:18 GMT
Transformers Armada Episode 10 - Underground
Hot Shot is bitching that he wants to be out in the front line, he's no good sitting around, A minicon signal is detected in a big city cue the heavily re-used cheap teleportation segment.
Now people bitch about stock footage in things like He-Man, but you know what the Filmation stuff was 1 - actually properly fucking animated and 2 looked good. This is neither but we get it EACH AND EVERY FUCKING EPISODE.
Oh god I have 42 more of these to go. Kill me now.
They determine that the signal is underground and Hot Shot moans that it's more underground stuff. Turns out thankfully we'll have none of that as the three Autobots find the entrance to the subway. Inside Red Alert asks if Prime has enough room given that he is a truck. Prime says barely, despite the fact that we can quite clearly see said tunnels could cater to Godzilla's own private fucking carriage, if he had one. If he doesn't he should have. He's earned it. Great chap.
They see the light of a train coming towards them, Red Alert and Hot Shot skip out but now because we need some dramatic tension, the walls are pretty tight and it looks like there will be a crash, as Prime reverses desparately, while the Subway driver tries to brake. He's too late, but Prime finds the track switch and gets to another track.
They now split up to look for the Minicon in true Scooby Doo style. Fucking awful shite. Scenes of people watching as they see cars and trucks on the line. Alexis spots some stairs down somewhere and they decide to investigate, but without checking to see if the Minicon signal is in that direction. All of these characters are stupid and should die.
DIE!
The Decepticons are also down in the sewers, but rather than search for the Minicon they send their own Minicons to search for it.
The kids and the Minicons find an old station, Rad spots a glowing yellow light but does nothing about it. but it does cut short a tedious diatribe from Alexis. The Minicons combine into Perceptor and through punching unearths the Minicon on a ceiling panel. However, despite being able to punch the concrete they can't grab the minicon. Yes, I don't know how either, shitty writing I believe.
A ladder helps and they unearth the Minicon but it is in concrete.
Just as they are leaving a truck with a crane assembly batters through the walls, so they get out of there. Alexis tells them it's a Decepticon and makes another mini rant. Seriously, fucking tedious character. Karl, your earlier compliments on her are so ill observed it isn't even funny. They are being hunted by our mysterious transformer.
Meanwhile the Decepticon minicons are also closing in and trap them inside an old wrecked subway car. So they are trapped. Rad and Highwire jump for it and the rest follow. The Minicons keep chasing them. Can you tell how fucking exciting this is?
They manage to lose the Minicons and find themselves trapped, Rad in a rare display of intellect sends Laserbeak to find Optimus Prime to lead them back here.
Meanwhile the Minicons report back to their Decepticon masters and advise them of the humans unearthing the Minicon. Meanwhile Laserbeak finds the Autobots. He's my favourite character so far, as he has yet to do anything stupid or annoying.
In the race to the humans the Decepticons win, and have them surrounded. But just as things look their worst and Cyclonus is about to step on them the cranebot appears and winches Cyclonus out of the way. He transforms and starts to engage the Decepticons but we don't see his sigil yet. Next he downs Starscream, and just as the cave collapses in, the robot shields the humans.
Before the Decepticons can secure the Minicon the Autobots appear. A tedious exchange begins and then Cyclonus gets the Minicon. Oh look he is now more powerful and now the Decepticons retreat, Fuck me, can we get a different ending. Please.
The Autobots are about to dig out the humans, when the rubble clears and we find out that the mysterious robot was Smokescreen, who had warped to Earth. A bit of inane banter and now the Autobots are four square. Insipid narration from Rad to end the episode.
Wow. This is bad. Thing is I wanted to like Armada, the toys had some surprisingly inventive gimmicks, but this show is utterly rank.
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Post by Bogatan on Mar 2, 2013 1:05:29 GMT
Finally facing episode two. Thoughts as I watch. Still no Animation going on. OMG!!! 2mins 40seconds in and Starscream is actually moving, Animation, real animation. Oh and now back to sliding pictures around the screen. Oh well. Maybe it is better to just hear jam jam jam jam jam jam if the VA is going to sound like he is reading the script for the first time. I know they need to lip sync asbest they can but. "so they must have a base set up somewhere near here." ARGGGH!!!! Okay so theres not much animation meaning they are drawing significantly fewer frames and each frame is going to be on screen for a long time. So I assume they are going to make those frames that are held for, oh lets say 10 seconds, look really really good.  Looks at Cyclonus, well hes being animated quite a bit over the 10 seconds and doesnt look too bad. Looks at Demolisher, yeah not bad showing some reaction to the scene despite being static the entire time. Looks at Starscream...... what the f**k is that monstrosity. That would be dodgy onscreen for 1/12 of a second. Someone didn't worry about that being seen for 10 seconds! And now they aren't even bothering with mouths moving when Megatron talks. And how does Rad guess exactly what the minicons do and then say its the only explanation. Maybe they are baby robots and the parents in a custody dispute thats getting violent. I feel like I'm being brainwashed to be indoctrinated in to a cult. Megatron just happens to stumble upon his old minicon? Thank god for David Kaye. It's so very wrong that theres more animation in the closing credits than the rest of the episode. Okay well 2 down. |
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Post by Bogatan on Mar 2, 2013 1:49:52 GMT
And that was three.
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Post by Andy Turnbull on Mar 2, 2013 2:06:04 GMT
NO ANDY!!!
NO MORE THAN ONE A DAY!!!!
IT'S NOT SAFE.
Andy
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Post by Bogatan on Mar 2, 2013 2:12:32 GMT
Episode 4. Wow the Autobot sdont seem to give a toss about the kids being kids and happily take them along to potentially dangerous situations. So refreshing after TF:Prime.
And April O'Neil jumpsuits.
Is there a point to Rad feeling left out?
Aha! It's a story about team work, glad that was explained because er it didn't seem to be about that any more than every other episode of Transformers which has Autobot team work defeating the Decepticons.
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Post by Bogatan on Mar 2, 2013 2:13:13 GMT
I can't stop myself.
Episode 5 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
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Post by Bogatan on Mar 2, 2013 2:24:47 GMT
Hey the kidsae really selling me on this great Optimus Prime toy the trailer turns into a base and it even has a chopper pad and everything!
Thats the bestest toy ever. I see that now.
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Post by blueshift on Mar 2, 2013 7:34:08 GMT
First Encounter
I remember when Transformers Armada was first announced. People got SO excited. After the disappointing Beast Machines, and Robots In Disguise, which soulless, humourless Americans did not like, people were really pumped for a 'proper' Transformers show.
The first episode was premiered at Botcon; I seem to recall everyone there raving about how great it was. Obviously Botcon was serving up some weapons-grade narcotics at the time, because when it actually aired, well, my god.
Anyway, the story kicks off with an omniscient narrator beginning with the phrase "LIGHT YEARS AGO" which is never a good start. Actually a good chunk of the opening narration makes zero sense; as is the theme with Armada and the later series, none of the scripts seemed to have been checked over by a native English speaker or someone with more than a rudimentary grasp of grammar before the expensive process of dubbing and broadcasting on national tv began.
"Light years ago, deep in the cosmos, a unique digital entity came into being. in search of other lifeforms, it sent explorers out to the furthest reaches of the galaxy. These digital, mechanical beings became known as Transformers.
One of the first planets inhabited was soon to become known through time and space as Cybertron.
A civil war between them waged on, and at stake was a race of tiny bots known as Minicons. Always considered 'smart tools' used to boost power, these Minicons were awakened by an inner protocol. They then joined forced and resisted domination by both Autobots and Decepticons.
Battle after battle proved nothing, and after many casualties the Autobots and Decepticons were caught in a deadlock. Realising victory would come at too high a price, the warring factions formed a truce, and in this truce it was decided that an enormous craft be constructed for the Minicons who would be catapulted into space, never to be used as pawns in another galactic war again."
It's a weird, awkward intro which makes no sense, with strange use of words and the repetition of 'they' referring to different groups without making clear who the subject is. What who what now?
It also makes the entire plot nonsensical. If the set-up is that the Autobots and Decepticons teamed up to get rid of the Minicons, why the hell are they now going to spend the next 52 episodes fighting each other to get them back? If they formed a truce to get rid of the Minicons, why the hell does the animation on screen show them fighting and trying to stop the Minicon ship? (Surprise surprise, the Japanese intro has the Autobots trying to get the Minicons off Cybertron, and the Decepticons trying to stop them, which, you know, matches up with what is on screen).
Anyway, how to kick off your big massive new Transformers show? How about barely having any Transformers in the first episode? Yeah, that'll do it. People only watch Transformers for the kid characters anyway. Honestly, this might not have been a terrible idea if any of the characters were interesting or had 'personalities' but instead we get Rad and Carlos, who are two schoolkids whose personalities are 'boys', Alexis, whose personality is 'girl' and 'annoying', and the school bullies, who really, really want to follow Rad and Carlos into a cave because uh, shut up, that's why.
Rad and Carlos have found a cave and want to explore it because hey, cave! Alexis doesn't want to go in the cave because she hates them. Fred and Billy want to go into the cave to follow Rad and Carlos because they are bullies (?). Fred spends most of the episode alternately whining about being hungry, needing to go to the toilet, or moaning about his blood sugar level. This is, I am assured by the makers of this show, HILARIOUS. Also it will be a theme of the series. 
For some reason, Rad did not take a torch into the cave. He took a BLOWtorch. I assume this is some hilarious misunderstanding by the animators. That or he was actually planning on murdering Carlos by melting his face off.
They find a glowy object. Carlos shouts that it looks radioactive so Rad picks it up. Seriously. Then we get this actually rather good sequence where the glowy object shoots out light and activates Minicon panels all over the world, and sends a message back to Cybertron, where the Transformers are all running about and dramatic music is playing. You suddenly think "oh, is this when it gets good?" But the cruel, cruel show dashes our hopes. 
The highlight of the episode is seeing the back of Pretender Landmine's head. When the reuse of old character models in your premiere of an exciting new series is the best part, you're in trouble.
Rad and Carlos leave the caves with the radioactive panel clutched tightly to Rad's chest, where they meet Megatron! Megatron needs the loo or something because he only communicates by grunting. Alexis turns up and tells them not to move or Megatron might chase them (?). He's not a dinosaur from Jurassic Park, love!
Luckily Megatron doesn't seem to have spotted them. For someone who has travelled millions of light years across space, he isn't in a rush to get hold of the Minicon panel. He just stands there grunting. Then he grabs Rad's bike. The way they animate this is that Megatron's arm slides across the ground horizontally, so does he get down onto the floor off-screen to do this? He's standing up in the next shot, so he must do this really quickly! Maybe he has a super long extendo-arm!
Honestly. There is a prize if you can work out what is going on here.
High Wire emerges from the Minicon Panel, all 'bloop-a-bloop-bleep' and Rad can magically understand him (zzzz) and they run away from Megatron. Megatron still seems really chilled out about the whole affair, and so rather than shoot them with any of his many guns, flicks a pebble at them. Then Optimus Prime shows up. The end.
Yes, that is the premiere.
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Post by blueshift on Mar 2, 2013 8:30:33 GMT
Episode 2: Metamorphosis
Episode 2 is better in that it doesn't want to make me die. In a risky manuver, most of this episode has lots of Transformers in it (I know, Transformers, in a show about Transformers? Madness!)
We kick off with an exciting fight scene, as the Autobots and Decepticons arrive to fight. I say fight, but they obviously didn't have the animation budget for any movement, so most of the battle is reduced to close ups of faces, grunting, and any blows struck are off-screen, apart from one hilarious moment where Red Alert punches Demolishor by having his hand slide slowly across the screen, Pugwash style. In 2002.
The Decepticons run away (via an actually quite cool teleporting effect) and back to the moon, where they have set up base in the crashed Minicon ship. Here we learn that Megatron is really sporting and left Cyclonus on board the ship, so as not to outnumber the Autobots.
Also we never ever learn why Prime and Megatron both bring a handful of soldiers to this planet where the ultra powerful world-shattering Minicons are which will change the balance of the war forever.
Megatron then asks Cyclonus: "you've scanned the planet, have you found the Minicon's ship anywhere?" Cyclonus then replies he has no idea where the ship could be.
CLUE: YOU ARE USING THEIR SHIP AS YOUR BASE.
Again, I assume this is someone rushing through the dub script without bothering to watch the accompanying animation or thinking about it for more than five seconds. I really hate to call professionals 'lazy' but there are so many genuine errors in this show that there's no other explanation. Even little things like 'giving characters a consistent name scene-to-scene' get messed up down the line. Still, Energon is worse. Somehow.
The kids find their own Minicons. Whee. Yay. I'm so happy for you. Rad theorises the following:
"I bet he came from some distant galaxy a long time ago to escape those big robots. Maybe they used small robots like him to increase their power or something. His ship must have crash landed on Earth and now they've tracked him down. That's the only reason I can think of."
Seriously. Word for word. Before you start thinking Rad is some sort of psychic super-genius, he also has real problems believing that Megatron was after High-Wire (he thought he was after him), he had doubts that High Wire, a walking talking shape-shifting robot that came from a small glowy panel was from outer space until he saw his spaceship, and that Optimus Prime "might need my help."
Megatron is wandering alone on the surface of the moon, and finds a Minicon Panel! Oh look, the Minicon inside it is his old Minicon, Leader-1. That's convenient! Or astonishingly bad writing.
Then we actually get a surprisingly well-done sequence as the Decepticons go to Earth and go after the Minicons there, and the Autobots fight them. It's actually animated this time in that things move, and there are some nice and interesting moments. Obviously the entire budget for the episode went on this sequence. The cliffhanger is that Optimus Prime combines with his trailer into super giant Optimus Prime, and he and his men face down the Decepticons (who they had already beaten earlier in the episode without his power-up). WHO WILL WIN???
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Post by Bogatan on Mar 2, 2013 9:12:20 GMT
Do we know if in the original Japanese if Megatron does say Ah Leader 1 my former partner or if it is another poor translation or editorial choice?
I remember reading Ben Yees reviews and him mentioning something I had also noticed and suggesting (or possibly stating) that some of the animation was sub contracted and that not only was it animated differently but the drawings were different too. That they basically ignored the animation model and proportions went out of the window. Alternatively it could just be different animators at the same studio being given absolutely no guidance.
I think it becomes more noticeable after the first few episodes. I'm trying to remember if the weird drawing were the better or worse animated. I'm sure there was some pattern to it.
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Post by blueshift on Mar 2, 2013 10:16:33 GMT
Episode 3: Base
Well... it has a base in it, I guess. Just like the title of the last episode, I have no idea what they're trying to do.
The episode starts with Rad narrating a recap. Only it's not a recap because those events didn't happen last episode, making me wonder if I had fallen into a blissful coma.
The Autobots and Decepticons start fighting, and the kids find a big load of Minicon panels just lying on the ground. That's convenient!
Meanwhile, Megatron gets a gigantic head. It seriously doubles in size from one shot to the next! Ridiculous!
Anyway, Megatron fires his cannon so much he falls over onto his back and can't get up. The Autobots find some Minicons just lying about, and they power up.
Rad has completely forgotten his explanation about how Minicons power up Transformers and is really confused when he sees Leader-1 powering up Megatron and can't work out what is going on, so Alexis has to tell him. I assume the radiation from episode 1 is already affecting his brain. Later, Prime has to explain to Rad that Minicons power up Transformers.
In a brief amusing sequence, Prime moves Starscream out of the way by picking him up by his head.
Megatron sneers at how incompetent his men are, and announces "Now I'll take matters into my own hands!" H then instantly retreats.
"They're retreating!"
"And we're going after them!" shouts Optimus.
Then the Autobots go home.
The audience is then treated to a lengthy flashback to episode one. It's really lengthy, a 2 minute clip from the first episode. And we're only on episode three! Originally the first three episodes were broadcast together as a 'movie' so this really showed contempt for the audience! "Hey, remember that thing that happened 20 minutes ago? Well, here it is again! ALL OF IT!"
I really don't understand how the kids know that Optimus Prime is the good guy. All he talks about is 'destroying his enemies' and capturing all the Minicons. Choice quotes from this bit include:
"The Minicons are the pawns in our battle"
"So the Decepticons want to use the Minicons to gain power, right? Isn't that what you want too?"
"Yes, but we treat the Minicons as equal, see?" *Cut to Jolt shaking his fists at Prime (?) (Also Leader-1 seems quite pally with Megatron, but apparently he's been 'brainwashed' so it's completely different, okay!)
High Wire asks Optimus Prime if the Autobots "are just going to use them [the Minicons] as weapons too". Prime replies with: "The Autobots are peaceful, and when the war is over the Minicons shall be free" So uh, that's a yes then is it Prime? Oh, but he'll free them once the war is over, that's ok then!
Then there is a long awkward fist bumping sequence. You know the drill.
This is pretty much the end of the episode 12 minutes in, so they pad it out with some footage of the kids playing basketball, the kids denying to the school bullies that there was an earthquake (why is that even an issue?) and the Decepticons being generic jerks to each other.
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Post by Andy Turnbull on Mar 2, 2013 13:31:54 GMT
Oh my god. What have I started?
Andy
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Post by blueshift on Mar 2, 2013 13:34:09 GMT
Oh my god. What have I started? Andy help |
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Post by The Doctor on Mar 2, 2013 15:40:17 GMT
Oh no. The series is on youtube. Oh shit. Oh shit.
*plays*
-Ralph
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Post by Bogatan on Mar 2, 2013 15:51:45 GMT
Oh no. The series is on youtube. Oh shit. Oh shit. *plays* -Ralph Oh.... "good" my dvds only go to episode 7. |
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Post by Benn on Mar 2, 2013 16:00:48 GMT
Whatever you do, do not inadvertandly post a link to them here. Or else I may watch them.
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Post by The Doctor on Mar 2, 2013 16:02:22 GMT
EPISODE 1
JEEBUS H MICE.
I remember watching this ten years ago and being tremendously excited. Sure enough, the first couple of mins are fine. Pacey and look there's Ultra Magnus over there! But then we get to Earth and the shitbags from Puss School are introduced. Now I don't mind humans in Transformers. Quite frankly, my piss boils every time The Fandom bitches about it. Those comics and cartoons folk enjoyed as kids had humans in them so shoosh your ape holes. But these are strained through a mesh of crapwank.
Then the Transformers do fuck all and the kids go find a cave. They find nothing interesting in the caves, not even their dad's jazz mags. Then the minicom signal goes off on Cybertron and it's on! The score picks up, the animation actually begins and lights go off and everything. Then Megatron beams to Earth and just stands and grunts with all the social skills of some convention go-ers (ho ho ho).
I hate you, Turnbull.
BEVERAGE OF THE EPISODE: RED MACGREGOR. A finely named ale which was "5000 years in the making" according to the label.
-Ralph
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Post by The Doctor on Mar 2, 2013 16:28:45 GMT
EPISODE 2
WHY GOD WHY?
So nothing interesting happens but it does introduce us to the sensational character find of the series thus far, namely Leader-1, who manages to both look deeply pissed off and sad at the same time. He also reminds me a bit of that fine dwarf actor Deep Roy. Look at the face. That is Deep Roy!
I hope he rises up and kills everyone. Alas, I don't recall him doing anything but hey it's been 11 years since I last saw this. Perhaps the memory cheats.
BEVERAGE OF THE EPISODE: Still on the Red MacGregor. The taste is a bit bitter. Like my mood.
-Ralph
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Post by Bogatan on Mar 2, 2013 16:40:38 GMT
A decade on I find I'm actually enjoying watching these, it'd fun to watch them clearly blow the budget on around 10 seconds of poor animation and then hand some pictures to an unpaid intern and have him do some pans and zooms.
I can't believe I didn't notice it before but then I didnt read them till a few years later, but the kids are Harry, Ron and Hermione. Harry, I mean Rad can talk to Snake.. I mean minicons and while not as important or intelligent as he thinks has lots of potential, Has a habit of getting involved in adult, sorry Transformer affairs he should stay out of and suffers temper tantrums when he feels hes being ignored. Ron, Carlos seems like a bit if a dummy, but will probably prove his worth later on, but in the mean time allows smarter types to explain things to him and the audience. Her.. Alexis, smarty pants.
Again I wonder if this is the case in the original dub or a creation of the translation.
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Post by The Doctor on Mar 2, 2013 16:54:36 GMT
EPISODE 3: SLAP MY HAND! SLAP IT HARD!
Sadly, the sensational Leader-1 only lets off one shot of anger in this episode but I was rooting for him. I choose to believe he spent the rest of the episode in a bar getting pissed, which is what I wished I was doing. Watching this I had a sudden surge of nostalgia over watching the show at Nick's abode back in the day. Every week we would watch and hope then have those hopes dashed but joy would then be restored by a tray of death from the local Chinese take-away. Ahhhhh. Chips, curry sauce, fried rice and super chicken balls. Good times. Good times!
There was some very mild comedy in which the Autobots learn to punch each other in the hand while you can audibly hear Gary Chalk's soul dying.
BEVERAGE OF THE EPISODE: Still trapped with this bottle of Red MacGregor. It is foul stuff. Like this episode.
-Ralph
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Post by Bogatan on Mar 2, 2013 17:02:21 GMT
First Encounter
Honestly. There is a prize if you can work out what is going on here. He has a conjoined twin, all that survives of it is a retractable arm that lives in his foot. |
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Post by The Doctor on Mar 2, 2013 17:13:49 GMT
EPISODE 4: ORANGE IS NOT THE ONLY FRUIT
"I don't feel pain like you humans do!" crows Red Alert at one point. Fuck you, Red Alert! Fuck you! I'm feeling pain watching you being shit! Why don't you kill Carlos? He is shit, but not as shit as you! Yet your toy was fun. I've got no toy with me right now. Not even a gun or blunt instrument of some kind with which to end the misery. I remember life before this. It was good. It had burgers in it.
So the kids get some crap new orange jump suits. I wonder where they are now? Probably getting high off crystal meth down the back of a bush somewhere. I wish I was down the back of a bush.
However, Leader-1 does appear, giving me 3 seconds of shining joy. Some mild amusement from Megatron gripping his cannon in such a way it looks like he aims to spooge Prime to death.
BEVERAGE OF THE EPISODE: I wish I could drink the Red MacGregors faster but it's just awful. I am Scottish, however, and because I bought it I must drink it all.
-Ralph
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Post by The Doctor on Mar 2, 2013 17:39:27 GMT
EPISODE 5: SEVENTEEN PENCE.
So this is the one in the Arctic. There is a genuinely fun moment when a penguin looks astonished to see Optimus Prime driving over the ice. That was fun. That was great. Lasted about 5 seconds. The rest of the episode was tedious 'learn to get along' bollocks between Ted Alert and Hot Shot. It's not too painful, just banal this time. Though to be fair, Hot Shot is nowhere near as annoying as the similar Bumblebee character in Transformers: Animated.
BEVERAGE OF THE EPISODE: Asda Smart Price Sparkling Water. It cost 17 pence, which by sheer coincidence was the animation budget for this episode.
-Ralph
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Post by Bogatan on Mar 2, 2013 17:48:53 GMT
I think someone needs to get around to Ralphs before it's too late.
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Post by The Doctor on Mar 2, 2013 18:00:50 GMT
EPISODE 6: IT'S NOT TREESY BEING A SHIT HUMAN CHILD.
So this is the one where everyone has a fight in a forest. A theme is emerging in that each battle now seems to take place in a different type of location. Which is for the best because they ARE ALL THE FUCKING SAME! Hunt the minicon! Which just goes beep beep oop and is of no use at all. Well they can't all be Deep Roy. Ah, Deep Roy. He was mad in that episode of Blake's 7 where he was a creepy diminutive alien chap who stared at the camera with all the haunting melancholy of all the despair carried throughout time. I can relate to that right now.
Starscream says the Autobots should keep an eye on him "from now on!" Why? Is he going to bake a cake? I like cake. I have no fucking cake.
BEVERAGE OF THE EPISODE: Still on the Asda Smart Price Sparkling Water. As water goes it's fine. It does the job. It resembles water in a bottle. Just not strong enough to deaden my pain though.
-Ralph
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Post by blueshift on Mar 2, 2013 18:12:01 GMT
Episode 4 - Comrade Hello, and welcome to the idiot ball show! This week our heroes must travel to the BIG CANYON and find the Minicon there! How will they fare? The Autobots can't find the exact location on their super high tech computer. Luckily Alexis has her phone with her! Hot Shot gets trapped in vehicle mode between two sides of a rockfall! Oh no! If only he could like, transform into a robot and just climb over it! I guess not though, so he's stuck. When they come to rescue Hot Shot, they are piling rocks on top of him when there weren't any before. I guess they were trying to entomb him. Optimus Prime fights Megatron and loses badly! Oh no, will he die? It is never explained why he doesn't just combine with his trailer and mash Megatron's face in. I mean, his trailer IS there because he does combine with it near the end of the episode. Megatron reveals to Optimus Prime that he has a minicon! "YOu didn't know that I had my own minicon!" What is missing is the scene where Megatron awkwardly goes "Oh... oh shit, I told you that last episode didn't I; how embarrassing." Luckily Optimus Prime finds his 'old partner minicon'. Boy, that's convenient! Further showing that no-one involved cared at all, Alexis calls Hot Shot 'Hot Rod', and at the end Rad claims that Optimus Prime found his old minicon. "He calls him Leader-1". Uh, I bet he doesn't, Rad. Because that's Megatron's minicon. Rad tells us at the end that the events of this episode was the "scariest thing they'd ever been through." Same here Rad, same here. |
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Post by The Doctor on Mar 2, 2013 18:20:15 GMT
EPISODE 7: EVERYONE FUCKING DIE.
So this is the one where not only do the Autobots spend much precious screen time thrillingly fixing their base, but so do the Decepticons too! Truly the highpoint of action and adventure. As the episode cuts between both astonishing home improvement sequences, one could be fooled into thinking this is the worst this episode could possibly have to offer in exactly the same way that the people of Poland thought the Communist run trains were just a bit shit until they found that they could not use the onboard loos as they were usually frozen over with sheets of ice. This is a true fact. Go look it up. See, I have enriched your life with new knowledge despite my current intense pain. I am a prince amongst men.
So anyway the kids decide to go get high and hang around on street corners necking cheap cider that gets their teeth soft. I of course speak of the unfortunate generation for which this was their Transformers show. However the kids in the show instead go off to a shit carnival and at no point try the 'hook the plastic duck' game that all funfairs contain. Arseholes. Talking of arseholes, I had a very satisfying dump this morning. I hope for another one tomorrow due to all the burgers and junk food of today. Ah, food. I like food. Just tucking into a Cyberman chocolate bar.
Anyway, the bully kids turn up with rope in order to hang the 'good' kids from a tree or something. Oh fuck it. Enough! ENOUGH!
BEVERAGE OF THE EPISODE: Ah, that splendid ale known as 'MARCH OF THE PENGUINS' chosen from the fridge in honour of the penguin from that other episode earlier. Back when I was young and had dreams for the future.
-Ralph
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